


Halcyon Days

by Zoi no miko (zoi_no_miko)



Category: Dark City (1998)
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Requited Love, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-29
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-27 22:42:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/984475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoi_no_miko/pseuds/Zoi%20no%20miko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has known Daniel for as long as he can remember.<br/>Daniel has known John for a handful of hours.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [abigsexyjellyfish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/abigsexyjellyfish/gifts), [Addy (addygryff)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Addy+%28addygryff%29).



Shell Beach wasn't what he expected it would be. It was exactly as he'd made it, of course, and perhaps that was where the problem was. He knew every building and plant and grain of sand, the map of it all stored somewhere in the back of his mind. The memory of creation.

It didn't feel like home.

It was the exact visual copy of the town of his memories, but even with all his powers he couldn't make it seem truly real. Like Anna, he mused as they talked and sipped coffee together at a small cafe in the town. She was beautiful, but didn't feel like his wife, like the confused, trusting woman he'd clung to so desperately during that endless night.

"Can I refill your coffee for you?"

A different waitress stopped a their table than the one who had served them, and when John looked up his reply caught in his throat. May, his mind supplied, memories coming back of the sweet blond woman who'd met him outside the automat and taken him away from the cops in hopes of turning a trick. Dead, was his second thought, mind flashing back to the garish photos that Bumstead had shown him.

But they were only photos, weren't they? Maybe it had just been a trick of the Strangers. He'd have to ask Daniel about it.

He forced himself to smile. "I'm fine, thank you. Could I please pay the bill?"

"I can pay for my own - " Anna started to protest, but John cut her off with a smile, touching the back of her hand.

"No, no, I insist. As thanks for showing me the way to the town. Maybe I'll see you around sometime." It was a pleasantry: in all honesty he'd prefer not to. It was too strange, too unnatural to him.

"Thank you, that's very kind of you," Anna replied, though her eyes were on the waitress as she refilled her cup.

"Take care," John told her, and left.

 

He approached the house on the road to the lighthouse - his house, he reminded himself - with trepidation. The front door key was hidden under the mat, and after he unlocked the door he slid it onto his key-chain alongside the key to an apartment that was never and would never be his. He kept it anyway.

He'd expected that the house would feel like the rest of the town, but found it unexpectedly natural. It wasn't the spitting image of his childhood home, not on the inside. That would have been impractical. No, this house was _his_ , furnished and decorated according to his taste by his subconscious mind. He didn't have to go upstairs to know that his childhood bedroom was a guest room now, and that his clothes were stored neatly in the master bedroom. That the wine cabinet in the den downstairs had been replaced by a small bar and a collection of very nice scotch. He walked through the house slowly, letting the feeling of rightness reassure him. This was his house, the one thing in the city that would be completely real just by virtue of being a reflection of himself. The formal dining room no longer held his mother's heavy table; it had been replaced by a shiny black baby grand, the walls lined in bookshelves that were half-full of Daniel's books, and the desk in the corner....

John's thoughts stumbled to a halt, and his heart dropped down to his feet. The books _were_ Daniel's, not his; texts on psychology and history and titles that he didn't even recognize but must have seen at some point in his life, mind filing away enough knowledge to replicate them here. He climbed the steps to the second level two at a time, opening the closet in the master bedroom and staring at the neatly tailored suits that hung in the second half of it, fine fabric in browns and grays and much too small to ever fit him.

John stumbled back a few steps and sat down hard on the end of the bed, staring at the closet that his mind had created. That his subconscious had fashioned, creating a sanctuary that was exactly what he needed and wanted. And his memories, full of the firm but caring guidance of the doctor, had carried through to that.

 _Shell Beach_ , he'd answered when Daniel had asked him where he was going, knowing that he needed to finish creating _home_ and stupidly assuming that the other man would know what he meant. After all, they'd spent a lifetime together, and Daniel had always been there.

Except he hadn't. He'd never been there, and John's remembrance was nothing but a perfectly created cocktail of memories that only he could remember. The thought sobered him more than Anna or the town or anything else he'd found out that day.

Daniel wasn't real either, and never would be.

~~~

 

John didn't stay at the house in Shell Beach for more than a few hours. He couldn't, not with the uncertain and heavy realizations of what his memories had created. He took the car in the carport - lovely, sleek and black - and drove back into the city, driving through the streets aimlessly, desperate for some sense of connection. For the most part the city was as unfamiliar to him as Shell Beach was familiar; here and there he'd catch sight of something he'd repaired after the fight, but his memories were limited to what he'd seen as he searched through the city for his own identity. In his childhood memories - or rather, the memories Daniel had given him - only a few places outside Shell Beach surfaced: Neptune's Kingdom, his apartment with Anna, the riverbank. The city was still as foreign to him as it had been before. He wasn't sure if it was a blessing or a disappointment.

Not knowing where else to go, he finally checked into one of the nicer hotels in the city, going straight to the VIP check in desk and requesting the best suite in the building. A wad of cash on the counter took care of any questions the clerk might have had. It was easy enough to Tune... why shouldn't he take advantage of it? He handed her a fake drivers license as well. No telling whether or not he was still a wanted man; it was better to be safe than sorry.

He ordered the most expensive bottle of red wine on the menu for room service, as well as the most expensive steak, though when it arrived he ate little, settling himself down on a couch and turning on the TV to reruns of the Ed Sullivan show. He wondered suddenly if everything on TV would always be re-runs, something that compelled him to just drink the wine straight out of the bottle.

When the bottle ran out he used the suite phone to order more. Then he stared at the phone, pulled the phone book out of the desk drawer, and started looking through it.

Surprisingly, both Daniel's home phone and practice were in the phone book, though the logical part of his mind couldn't see why they would need to be listed. He called his house first, but got the answering machine.

"Daniel," he started, then corrected himself. "Sorry, Doctor Schreber. I need to see you, if you have the time. Please. I'm staying at the Windsor, suite 3201. I'm here under John Smith, just have them call me. I'll buy you a drink or five, I certainly owe you them. If you're not busy, of course. It's not urgent or anything, I just... I need to see you. Come anytime."

He tried the office next, though he couldn't imagine why anyone would bother going to work the day after saving the world. There was no answering machine this time. He supposed it wasn't likely that Daniel had any real clients to call him, anyway.

When the bellhop brought up the second bottle of wine he gave John a wary look. John tucked a few dollar bills into his hand. "I may have a guest at some point," he said, taking the wine. "A Daniel Schreber. If he arrives he is to receive the best and most respectful treatment, and please call me right away. At any time, day or night. Other than that I don't want to be disturbed for any reason."

"Of course, Mr. Smith," the bellhop said carefully, and John shut the door.

He didn't bother with a glass this time, popping the cork and taking a swig.

Halfway through the bottle exhaustion set in, along with a nagging reminder that no, he hadn't actually slept in almost two days. Thankfully the suite's master bedroom came equipped with blinds and full curtains , which blocked out all but small slivers of daylight. It was comforting to see a little sunlight in any case, he thought, and he tuned his clothes into a pair of pajamas and quickly fell asleep.

~~~

The room was dark when he awoke, disoriented, to the sound of ringing. He managed to find the switch for the bedside lamp without tipping it over, stumbling back into the main room of the suite and picking it up halfway through a ring. "Yeah?"

"Mr. Smith? The voice on the other end of the phone sounded apologetic. "You have a visitor. He told us he could come back later but your instructions were to call you at any time of the night, so - "

"I'll be down in five minutes," he replied, hanging up the phone before the clerk had finished speaking. He briefly considered his pajamas, then created a deep blue bed jacket and matching slippers, leaving the suite and hitting the button for the elevator.

Daniel wasn't in the lobby, but a clerk met him almost as soon as he'd stepped off the elevator. He didn't bat an eye at John's attire. "Mr. Smith. This way please."

He followed, being taken through a door behind the VIP check in desk that lead to a small but sumptuous lounge. Daniel sat rather stiffly on the edge of one of the mahogany and leather easy chairs, sipping what looked like a cup of coffee. He set it aside when he saw John, standing carefully. "Good evening, Mr... Smith."

"Thank you for coming, Daniel," he started, then corrected himself again. "I'm sorry - Dr. Schreber." He glanced around the lounge and at the clerk waiting quietly at the door. "Can we talk in my suite?"

Daniel's eyebrows rose slightly, but he nodded. "Certainly." He walked with John back through the lobby, and John made a conscious effort to slow his step to keep time with the doctor's limping gait. Daniel looked up at him. "We do not need to stand on... formalities if you don't wish to, John. You may call me Daniel if you like."

"But do you like?" It was a little unsettling talking to Daniel, having to remind himself constantly that this wasn't the man he remembered.

"I think that after what we have... been through, a modicum of familiarity would be... appropriate. John." When John glanced over there was an amused little smile on the Daniel's twisted lips. He followed John into the elevator.

"Okay," John replied, trying not to sound as awkward as he felt. There were so many questions he wanted to ask and he didn't know how to ask them at all, how to even start. "I'm sorry I treated you badly," came out instead, because that's what had happened most recently between them, hadn't it? It was strange and a bit disorienting, trying to sort the mess of memories into order in his mind.

Daniel's eyebrows rose slightly as he regarded him. "Thank you," he said, calm and quiet. "And for my part, I am sorry that I manipulated you... into fighting my battle."

It was a strange thought, but he supposed it was true. "The battle was both of ours," he corrected. Then, "You saved my life."

Daniel stepped out of the elevator as the doors opened. "You saved the city," he replied, giving another little smile. "I believe that, all things considered, we are even, John."

It was comforting, and yet not. Part of him wanted to owe the man something, to make up for his offenses personally. Saving the city from those creatures had been a necessity, not a nicety. He set the thought aside for now, unlocking the door to his suite and holding it for Daniel. "I'm also sorry I left after the battle. I thought..." _that you would come with me. That you would be there._ "I thought that creating Shell Beach would fix things. May I take your coat?"

Daniel handed it to him along with his hat, watching him with more than a little concern as he hung them on the coat stand. "Is that why you are here, and not there?"

John shrugged helplessly, crossing the room to the sofa and sinking down into it. "Make yourself comfortable. Can I order something from the kitchen for you? A glass of wine?"

Daniel's eyes flicked to the empty bottle by the untouched food and the half-empty one on the coffee table. Then he sat carefully in the armchair. "I am all right, thank you. John, something is troubling you. Would you like to... talk about it?"

"I don't really even know where to start," he said helplessly, looking at the wine bottle. "Are you sure I can't pour you some wine?"

Daniel hesitated, then managed a smile. "A small glass, yes. Thank you."

The bellhop had brought a second glass with the second bottle, and John uncorked the bottle and half filled it, pouring the rest into his own glass from before. "I don't really know what I'm doing here," he admitted, handing the glass to Daniel, watching as he sipped it politely. "I just couldn't stay in Shell Beach, it was too... fake. I guess it wouldn't hurt to indulge here for a while."

Daniel nodded slowly. "You can do anything you want, John. You are not a wanted man, anymore. In case you had worried. It ended with the last set... of experiments."

John nodded slowly, sipping his wine and rather wishing there was another bottle. "You told me that the facility where the Strangers stored the memories was destroyed. If... if we wanted to rebuild it someday, do you think I could do that, too?"

"I... suppose that anything is possible." Blue eyes watched him intently from behind wire-rimmed glasses, a little worriedly. "You want to bring Emma back."

"No," John replied, shaking his head and looking down. "I want to take her away. I don't know if I can do this, Daniel. This whole... Tuning thing, this controlling the city. I don't belong anywhere, I feel so... fake. Could you help me forget about it all and just live a normal life?"

Daniel set his glass down carefully on the coffee table between them, with a soft, sorrowful sigh. "John... please believe me when I say... that more than anything, I wish I could do that. For you. But it is unfortunately not... possible. If you forget, the city will die."

John's head jerked up to look at him. "What do you mean, die?"

"A rather dramatic way of... saying it. My apologies. But sooner or later it would... happen. The machines that run things, that make the river flow, the food, the electricity. Warmth. Even your new sun is powered... by the machines. They are not infallible, John. As time goes on you will need... to tune them. Pardon my pun."

John snorted softly, taking a long gulp of wine. "So. The city is really mine. Or maybe it owns me. Guess I have to stick around, then." He looked to Daniel again. "What happens when I die?"

"Well. Hopefully by that time we... will have other options." He smiled helplessly. "Forgive me, John. I didn't particularly... think this through. Past removing them from the city. Truthfully, I could not bare to let myself... think of a future where I was..." he paused for a moment, looking down at the wine in the glass and finally murmuring, "...free."

"... and now you're stuck with me," John said after a long moment, only half joking. He felt better when Daniel looked back up at him with a warm smile.

"You make it sound unpleasant. I hope it does not prove to be... for you. It will not be for me. John, this city is not your responsibility... alone. I will be here. Whenever you need. Whatever you need, whatever you... ask of me. I promise you that."

The intentness in his gaze and the certainty of his words reminded John very much of the Daniel in his memories, but it didn't comfort him as much as he'd thought it would. "So we take care of the city, make sure nothing breaks down and everything's happening properly. Then what? Do I get some job just to occupy myself? Become an eccentric millionaire with crazy hobbies? It just seems so fake, Daniel. I don't know what to do."

Daniel sighed. "John, why aren't you with Anna?"

It annoyed him a little, that Anna seemed to be Daniel's answer to everything. "Why aren't you with - " John waved a hand in the air randomly, feeling contrary. "Some woman?"

To his surprise, Daniel choked back a soft laugh. "It's not exactly my... style."

John frowned. "It's because they're not real. You just don't want to admit that I'm right."

The little amused smile hadn't left Daniel's lips. "Do you remember where you... found me, John? With the Inspector?"

"What does that have to do with...." John's voice trailed off as the understanding surfaced from somewhere in his memory. How was he supposed to have known that? It wasn't like the Daniel in his memories had shown interest in anything other than his training. "Well, whatever. With - with someone. Huh?"

Daniel contemplated this quietly for a moment. "I have not completely dismissed... the notion. If I were to find... someone, that is. It could be nice. To start a new life."

"But they wouldn't be real," John stressed, and Daniel leaned forward to place a hand gently on his knee.

"We are more than just the sum... of our memories. It is why They failed. Why you prevailed. You must surely know that... by now, John."

"I know," John said with a sigh. "I just... I can't get over the fact that everything I remember about... about everyone I know, really. It's wrong."

"Go to Anna," Daniel told him gently. "You may be surprised. She is everything that is... beautiful, John. Perfect. I made certain... of that."

Snorting, John let his head fall back against the back of the couch. "I'm sorry, but the idea of you making me the perfect girlfriend doesn't really reassure me."

Daniel reclaimed his hand, sitting back in the chair. "She is still real. Everyone is. Regardless of where their memories... came from. They are still real."

John raised his head again, looking over at him. "So you know everything about everyone in this city?"

Daniel hesitated, then shook his head slowly. "Everything, no. That would be impossible. But history... major life events, the things that shape and influence. Yes, that I know."

"Even for me?" The words left his mouth before he could stop himself, and were more eager than he'd intended.

Daniel gave him a small, sad smile. "You are a warrior. The city's perfect protector. I'm afraid that I could not include... much more than that, in your memories. There was too much... risk. I am sorry, John."

John shook his head slowly, chewing on his bottom lip. "It had to be done."

"But this is just the beginning," Daniel said, his logic almost infuriating. "You have a lifetime to... decide who you are. Who you want to be. Who you will be with. Anna or whoever you want."

"Yeah," John agreed, but his heart wasn't in it. It was familiar, talking with Daniel, and he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. There were still differences from the Daniel in his memories, more than just his appearance. This Daniel was less stern, less forceful, among other things. Perhaps he could regain that sense of companionship, if Daniel had would stay with him.

He realized that Daniel was watching him think, looking a little worried, so he gave the other man a smile. "I know what I want right now."

"Yes?"

John leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, holding his gaze. "I'd like very much to fix you. If you'll let me. I can do it."

The skittish nervousness came back immediately. "Fix me...?"

"Physically, I mean. What they did to you." He waved a hand towards the doctor's leg. "It was Them that did it, wasn't it? That's why you look different in my memories."

"Ah." Daniel leaned back a little, staring down at his hands in his lap, his lips pressing together, shifting a little as he thought. "It's true," he said slowly, "Though I don't remember it. Just the pain of... recovery. The first remnant of my... ruined memory. It was... enough to keep me from disobeying."

Making up his mind, John stood, holding a hand out to him. "Come into the spare room with me. Let me fix this, Daniel. You've suffered enough."

For a moment, he was sure that Daniel wasn't going to agree. Then the man gave him a small, brave smile, and placed his hand in John's.

~~~


	2. Chapter 2

It was even easier than he expected, to heal Daniel. Perhaps it was the familiarity that was engraved in his memories, Daniel as he once was. Daniel as he was again now, more or less. Who could breath easily and move without pain. Perhaps it was the comfort it brought him to bring this Daniel more in line with what he remembered. Perhaps he was just grateful to give something back to the man that had suffered for so long.

John ordered another bottle of wine after that, keeping both their glasses topped up as they talked. His body wasn't at all used to the patterns of day and night, and it seemed that Daniel's wasn't either. He was relieved that Daniel stayed with him without question. It was too easy to think and worry when he was alone.

He fell asleep on the couch at some time during the night, waking late in the morning to find himself stretched out on it, covered with a blanket. Daniel was nowhere to be seen, but the door to the second bedroom in the suite was closed, and Daniel's hat and coat still hung from the coat rack.

After a late lunch they spent their day in the city and underneath it, checking on all the machines that kept the city running and fixing the remainder of the damage from his fight with Book. It was more than John had expected, and he was grateful for Daniel's guidance. It was still strange to be with Daniel, who was the same and not the same as he remembered. He was quieter, kinder, far less aggressive than the taskmaster in his memories. John found himself thinking that he preferred it. And regardless of the changes the sense of familiarity that he hadn't realized he'd craved so badly was still there.

"Come to dinner with me," he said, when the sun had sunk well below the false horizon the the city was once again lit only with street lamps. "Anywhere you like. Tell me where the best restaurant in the city is."

Daniel smiled and shook his head, apologetic. "There are some things I need to take care of. At my office, at home and such."

"And at the bath house?" The words slipped out before he could stop them, and he immediately felt awkward. Daniel just chuckled softly, however, the tips of his ears flushing dark.

"Perhaps. It is a new world, after all." He let a hand rest on John's arm. "You are the city's protector, not its prisoner, John. Do not worry so much about the future. Enjoy yourself. You have plenty of time to discover what makes you happy."

"Okay," John replied, though he felt strangely hollow at the thought. "What about tomorrow night?"

"I'd like that." Daniel stepped back, giving him a smile. "Pick me up at my office. Six o'clock."

"I'll be there," John promised, and watched him approach the nearby taxi stand, hailing a cab and disappearing into the night.

He found a lounge that was dark and sultry and where people didn't pay attention to him, but it didn't make him feel any better. There were a few women there on their own or with friends, but no one he really wanted to approach. Even flirting with the waitress proved impossible. 

Eventually he gave up made his way back to the hotel, ordering a bottle of wine and lounging on the couch in nothing but his pyjama pants. He flipped through the channels on the TV as he drank, finally settling on some movie about swashbuckling frenchmen, which was kind of endearing even though one of them reminded him a little too much of Daniel.

His thoughts went back to his friend - at least, he hoped Daniel considered them friends. Was he really going to the bath house just to find sex? What was it like? Would he have sex there with some anonymous man, or insist on a date, a proper bed?

On screen, the frenchmen were trying to pick up wenches in a bar, and John mused that he should have tried harder to bring someone home with him. He adjusted his pyjama pants and curled his fingers around his cock, giving himself a slow stroke and feeling a warm wave of pleasure as he started to harden under his fingers.

He wondered what it would be like to have sex in semi-public in a bath house, and tried to imagine himself back in the change room, sitting on a bench with a beautiful, half-naked woman straddling his lap. No, no, that was wrong... Daniel was far too proper, far too shy to have sex in front of others like that. There would have to be a private room somewhere. He didn't know for sure what it would all look like, but his mind supplied the image of a deep, private bath. Would Daniel have sex in the bath? He was fairly certain that Daniel would play the mare, perhaps kneeling braced against the side of the tub so his lover could enter him from behind. John imagined taking a woman like that, the curve of her rump slick from the bath water, full breasts brushing the surface of the bath as he thrust into her.

Strangely, he wasn't sure which image was hotter.

John was fully hard now, fingers stroking up and down the length of his shaft and over the head of his cock, arousal slick on his fingertips. Guiltily, it was hard to stop thinking about Daniel now that he'd started, his mind too curious about a world unknown. He wanted to think that Daniel would demand more than just an anonymous fuck, and his mind supplied a tall dark gentleman to be his date, to take him for a late dinner and drinks and stroke his thigh suggestively under the table cloth. He imagined Daniel breathless and wanting, going with him to a hotel room, pressed back against the room door as his mouth was ravaged with kisses.

Would he be unabashedly eager, or make the man work for it? He'd seen enough of Daniel's skin when he healed him that his mind recreated it easily, pale and smooth. He imagined him undressing shyly for his date, bits of his three piece suit scattered on the floor. John's hand sped up on his own cock as he imagined them in bed together, all bare skin and tangled limbs and two hard cocks pressed together. He knew that he should stop this train of thought, but he was so goddamn hard, and every attempt to think about something else just drifted back to Daniel. Daniel, whole as he remembered him, as he'd made him again, straddling the hips of this imaginary dark stranger in some hotel room, moving on him as he took his pleasure of the other man, his cock hard and leaking against his stomach.

Oh god, he was so close, jerking himself faster as pleasure built and surged. Then somehow his mind returned to having Daniel here, thinking about him on his knees in front of the couch, calmly and confidently undoing John's slacks and leaning forward to take the flared head of his hard cock in his mouth....

He came with a shout, almost unexpectedly, hips jerking up into his fist as come spurted up onto his stomach, pleasure shuddering through him.

Dazed, he sat on the couch for a few minutes, staring at the TV screen as his mind replayed the last few moments. He was pretty sure he shouldn't have been thinking about Daniel, of all people, while jerking off. But it was just curiosity... right?

Frowning, he cleaned himself up with a thought, then turned off the TV and went to bed. At least in the aftermath of orgasm it was easy to sleep.

~~~

Whatever he tried to do the next day, it just seemed like he was killing time until the evening. He tried not to think about what Daniel was doing. It left him feeling slightly uncomfortable and strangely irritated.

When he arrived at Daniel's office the doctor was just leaving the building. He gave John a warm smile, easy and natural, and John couldn't help but think that already the man seemed more comfortable in his own skin. He stepped out of the car and returned the smile, walking around it to open the passenger side door with a dramatic flourish. "Good evening, Doctor."

Daniel seemed amused by the display, regarding the car with a discerning look as he approached. "It seems you have procured for yourself a very nice car, Mr. Murdoch."

"I thought we should ride in style," John replied, motioning to the seat. "Make yourself comfortable."

Daniel slipped in, letting John close the door behind him. He gave him a little bemused smile as John got into the drivers seat and started the car. "I suppose it is befitting of your station."

"My station?" John glanced over at him confused.

"Of course. John, you have been staying in the penthouse of one of the most prestigious hotels in the city throwing money around as if it is nothing. You appear every bit the eccentric millionaire."

John's eyebrows furrowed as he considered this. "You're right. I should probably get an apartment or something a bit more low key."

"Why? If you are enjoying it there is no harm. It is perhaps even wise. An identity like that is easy to build with enough money. And you can do whatever you like almost without consequence. When someone with money is around and spending it people tend to not ask questions."

"I guess that's true," John replied, though he wasn't completely certain that it was what he really wanted.

Daniel directed him to a restaurant that turned out to have some of the best steak he'd ever had. Over dinner and a bottle of wine they talked, the plans of what they could put in place with John's money growing more and more outrageous.

John poured the last of the wine into Daniel's glass before signalling the waiter for the bill. This was good, he decided. Daniel had enough similarities with what he remembered that it wasn't so jarring anymore. More than that he appreciated he appreciated the doctor's pleasant demeanor, inviting familiarity and talking with a lightness of heart that made John wonder if this was even the same man as the crippled, frightened rabbit he'd met during that long night before the city was reclaimed.

"We should go get a drink somewhere," he said, leaving cash with the bill.

Daniel regarded him for a moment, contemplatively, and for a moment John was worried he would decline. Then he smiled. "A drink would be nice."

~~~

John awoke the next morning with a pounding headache. He groaned and pulled the covers over his head, wishing for the first time that there wasn't quite so much sunlight streaming through the windows. He could do something about that, though, couldn't he? His mind responded, a little sluggishly, but none the worse for wear, and within moments the blinds were pulled and John felt a little more human.

He tried to think back on how the night had ended. A bar... several bars? And somewhere along the lines he'd become fairly sure that he'd drunk far too much but Daniel was there and he'd been so happy....

A soft query came from the other room. "Would you like some coffee, John?"

Daniel. Despite the hangover John smiled. Then he fumbled his way out of bed, finding himself stripped down to nothing but yesterday's pants. He pulled on the bed jacket he'd made days before, enjoying the slide of the soft fabric over his skin, and made his way out into the sitting room.

Daniel was sitting at the table with large pot of coffee, two domed plates on the table. He gave John a smile. "I took the liberty of ordering breakfast. I hope you don't mind. I thought it might make the morning easier."

John nodded fuzzily, sitting down and pouring a mug full of coffee. He vaguely remembered returning to the suite the night before, leaning heavily on Daniel - or perhaps they'd been keeping each other upright? "I don't think I've ever been this hungover in my life."

"Possibly in your life. Not in your memories," Daniel replied with a little smile. "The food just arrived, you should eat something when it's still warm.

The plate underneath the dome nearest his was filled with sausages, scrambled eggs and bacon. Two slices of toast were tucked on the side as an afterthought. "Mm. Greasy protein."

"It will help with the hangover," Daniel replied, taking the dome off his own, which was similar but with eggs sunny side up on the toast.

"You're a medical doctor now, too?"

Daniel chuckled softly, setting both domes aside on the cart that had brought them. "Not particularly, no. Just fairly used to nursing myself through hangovers."

"Hmmm." John tried a piece of bacon, finding it a little crispier than he generally preferred but otherwise delicious. "Well, I hope this hangover is for a much more pleasant reason than previous ones have been."

"Most definitely," Daniel replied with a soft chuckle, and they fell into companionable silence while eating.

"I suppose we should find something less alcoholic to do tonight," John remarked, draining the rest of his coffee and refilling it.

Daniel looked apologetic. "I'm afraid I have... prior commitments."

John felt a surge of jealousy and tried to push it away. "A date?" he asked lightly, watching Daniel flush.

"Something like that, yes. And there is still much work for me to do at my office. I do very much want to open my practice again."

"Can I help with anything?" His words were a little too eager, he realized, but pushed on anyway. "I promise not to interfere with your date."

Daniel chuckled softly and shook his head. "I'm not worried about that. I just don't want you to think that I'm taking advantage of your abilities."

"You aren't if I offer," John replied, downing half the new cup of coffee and feeling rather better than he had when he'd woken up. "In fact, I insist."

"Then who am I to refuse such a kind offer?" Daniel teased. "Very well, Mr. Murdoch."

They spent the afternoon overhauling what proved to be a large amount of office space, getting rid of strange looking experiments that John didn't think he wanted to ask about, making the place bright and warm and soft and inviting. The only remnants of Daniel's old research that he seemed to care about keeping were the handful of sleek white rats that seemed to be closer to pets than experiments. John created larger cages for them; glass with levels to climb on and places to explore and hide and soft bedding to curl up in. It made Daniel smile, which made John feel strangely warm and fuzzy inside.

"Are you sure you're alright to get home?" He asked anxiously as they exited the building that held Daniel's office. "I can take you."

Daniel chuckled and pointed across the street. "I live there. But thank you. What are your plans for the night?"

Truthfully, John had tried not to think about the evening. He'd just wanted to enjoy being with Daniel, redecorating and creating furniture and books and lights... anything and everything Daniel could think of. He didn't want to think about the evening, about separating. About what Daniel would be doing without him. "I hadn't really decided."

"You should go out," Daniel suggested with a smile. "Find some company. You're too extroverted to be happy cooped up in that hotel suite, and too handsome not to have a beautiful woman on your arm."

John shrugged. "I don't know. I'm don't really know where to go."

"The hotel will be able to suggest places." Daniel turned to face him, laying a hand on his shoulder, the touch somehow warm even through his coat. "Go out tonight. Come meet me here tomorrow. We can do lunch."

At least that would be something to look forward to. He smiled, touching Daniel's arm as he pulled back. "I'd like that. Have a good night tonight."

"Yourself as well, John."

~~~~


	3. Chapter 3

It was difficult for John to stop thinking about Daniel's advice as he made his way back to the hotel, handing his keys to the valet and walking inside. Maybe it would be good to try and meet someone, to just start fresh and try and forget about everything.

He made his way over to the VIP check in desk, flashing a smile at the young man that stood behind it. "Good evening. I was told you might be able to tell me where I could find some company this evening."

The clerk's smile was knowing. "Of course, Mr. Smith. Come with me, please."

Come with me? Confused, John followed anyway as the man lead him back into the little lounge where Daniel had been waiting for him that first night. "Make yourself comfortable, Mr. Smith. Please feel free to help yourself to anything from the bar." He moved as he spoke, unlocking a drawer in the desk at the side of the room and taking out a leather bound photo album. "We work with this agency quite often. They are very reputable and discreet, and the ladies are all licensed and clean."

"Licensed?" A little dazed, John took the book almost in reflex, opening it to the first page. The rates ranged from an evening to several days, and each page held a few portrait photographs of beautiful women, first names written underneath in copperplate script. Victoria. Penelope. Carmen.

"Of course, sir. We would not do business with anything less. My recommendation is to pick a few, in case your first choice isn't available."

It seemed bizarre to contemplate after everything that had happened with the police and the fake murders. But maybe it was a good idea to just forget himself for a night in the arms of a beautiful woman. He started to leaf through the pages. No blondes, not after the case. No one who looked like Anna either, that was too strange. He paused at the photo of a sultry brunette who had an exotic look to her, dark eyes and dusky skin appealing. "Her, I think," he said, pointing to the photo. "And her," he added spontaneously, pointing to the woman in the photo beside her, with red curls and striking blue eyes. Sara and Mallorie, the labels read.

"Of course, sir. And your first choice, should both women be available?"

John gave him a wide smile, thinking back to his conversation with Daniel about being an eccentric millionaire. Might as well. "If they're both available then I'd like them both."

The clerk didn't bat an eye. "Of course sir. It shouldn't take more than half an hour. We'll send up a bottle of champagne and some refreshments for you, compliments of the hotel."

The women were both even more beautiful in real life when they arrived at the door to his suite; the brunette was curvaceous, dark hair falling in loose curls down her back, skin dusky and eyes a warm brown. The redhead was tall and willowy, hair shorter and curling around her jaw, something elfin and mischievous in her blue eyes.

"You must be Mr. Smith," the first said, offering her hand. "I'm Sara."

"Sara. Please, call me John." He took the offered hand and raised it to press a soft kiss to the back, not quite sure how to react. They seemed like high-class women, not prostitutes at all. But then, how was he to know what prostitutes were supposed to be like? May had certainly seemed much nicer than he'd expected, despite the rundown apartment she lived in.

"That's an appropriate name," the second said with a teasing smile, "I'm Mallorie." Her words were thickened by a strange accent that made him wonder. Was it part of the imprints? Could they change even the way a person spoke? Or was it despite them? Daniel would know - no, no. He didn't want to think about Daniel tonight.

He took her hand to repeat the same kiss, smiling. "Mallorie. Your voice is beautiful. Have you lived in the city all your life?"

"My family moved here from far away when I was young," she said with a smile, and John decided not to push his curiosity any further.

"I see. Well, would you two beautiful ladies like a glass of champagne?"

It was nice, to indulge in entertainment with the women, talking and feeding them the strawberries and bite-sized chocolate pastries that the hotel had sent up with the Champagne. They seemed set on feeding him more of the champagne than they drank themselves, giving them sips from their own glasses between words and easy kisses.

The trouble - or advantage - of two, he discovered, was that he couldn't quite concentrate on what both of them were doing at once. The bottle of champagne gone, he found himself between them on the couch, shirt unbuttoned and pulled open. Mallorie's skillful hands stroked over his skin as he indulged in the warmth of Sara's lips, letting his hands trace her curves, cup her full breasts. But he couldn't seem to lose himself to it, couldn't manage to summon that rush of desire to take over for thought.

He turned to Mallorie instead, to her teasing smile and blue eyes, pulling her lithe form closer as he kissed her. She was more forceful in her kisses, fingers still splayed in his chest, toying with a nipple.

Sara's lips pressed to his jaw, her breath warm on his skin as she sucked at his earlobe, her hand stroking low on his stomach. "What would you like to do first, John? Have us one at a time, or both at once?"

"We could even put on a show for you if you like," Mallorie murmured against his mouth, nipping at his bottom lip. "Sara and I could undress each other while you watch if you like. Anything."

He gave a low, appreciative hum against her mouth, kissing her again and trying to think, feeling Sara's hand smooth down to cup his cock through his pants. What did he want to do? He hadn't really thought about it when he'd decided to bring them here, just about having companionship while Daniel was off with someone else....

Suddenly, strangely, he felt a little angry and a little disgusted with himself. Hadn't he left Shell Beach to avoid a meaningless relationship with someone he hardly knew? He hadn't really thought about it that before.

Or maybe he was just trying to delude himself as to what he actually wanted.

"I'm sorry," he told them, untangling himself from their embrace and standing, running a hand through his hair as he paced the length of the room. "I'm sorry, I didn't really think this through. This was a mistake."

"Would you like one of us to leave?" Mallorie offered cautiously, but John shook his head. He crossed to the sideboard by the door, opening the drawer and creating two stacks of cash, which he pulled out and gave to them, pressing it into Sara's hand when she tried to decline.

"We can get other clients tonight, John, you don't need to - "

"I have more money than sense," he said plainly, closing her fingers around the bills. "And you don't. Have to get other clients tonight, I mean, not if you don't want to. Just, I was wondering if perhaps you could help me with something small..." the thought had come into his mind without warning; it made his mouth go dry and his cock twitch in his pants. "I don't suppose you could tell me... are there any men who work for your agency?"

Sara's eyebrows rose, her smile soft and strangely understanding. "Male prostitutes?"

"If I wanted one," John pressed on, feeling his stomach flip flop in a way that wasn't completely unpleasant at the thought.

"It's possible," Mallorie said, standing and laying a hand on his arm. "But since you have been very kind I would like tell you that it is a waste of money."

He looked at her in confusion. "Why?"

"There are plenty of men in the city who would indulge the desires of a handsome man like you at no cost. Just visit a bath house. Would you like me to tell you how to find them?"

The bath house. The thought had suddenly never been more appealing. "No... no, I know where to go. I hadn't thought... thank you. And I'm sorry again."

"There's nothing to be sorry about. Call us again if you change your mind, handsome," Sara replied with a soft smile, leaning up to press a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth, and somehow John didn't feel judged at all.

He helped them both into their coats and slipped into his, buttoning his shirt back up as he took them downstairs. Then he picked his car up from the Valet and, not able to think of any better way to figure this whole thing out, went back to the only bath house he'd ever been to.

It was strange, going in as a patron instead of sneaking in through the utility door he'd tugged open with his mind the last time that he'd been here. The man at the desk hardly even looked up from his book as he approached, his hair graying and looks unremarkable. "Two dollars. Twenty-five cents for a locker. Ten dollars for a private room for two hours."

John hesitated. "Can I come back and get a room later if I... need one?"

That did make the man look up. He gave a soft snort, glancing John over but not seeming to find complaint. "You'll need one. Unless you don't care about privacy."

"I just want to check things out," John replied, trying to will away the clamminess in his hands. He set down three bills on the counter. "Just admission, please. And a locker. Keep the change."

The clerk gave a low hum under his breath and slid a key across the counter to him, a numbered tag hanging from it. "The change room is down the hall and to the left. Your locker number is on your key."

John thanked him, taking the key and walking slowly down the hallway indicated. Now that he was here his stomach twisted in nervousness, and had it not been for the slight fuzziness of the champagne he might have lost his nerve and left all together. Now that he was here, what was he supposed to do? Should he approach someone, or wait and see if he was approached? He didn't remember the men he'd seen here before being particularly forward, but then again he only been here just before closing before, and he hadn't really left the changeroom.

Turning the corner, he stopped short, heart dropping to his toes. Daniel stood by the lockers near the back wall, facing away from him, fastening his slacks. John couldn't help but stare at the bare, pale skin of his back and shoulders, marred only by a set of red scratch marks. They looked fresh. Passionate.

It made him strangely, irrationally angry. "What are you doing here?"

Daniel started, turning quickly and stepping back against the lockers, though the terror in his eyes lessened a little when he saw John. "John. I'm sorry, I didn't know you were here."

The bare skin reminded him of why he was here to begin with, and part of him wanted to crush Daniel to him and taste every part of him. The rest of him was furious. He wanted Daniel, he couldn't deny that any longer. Wanted more than just the companionship he remembered in his false memories, and part of him knew that he'd come here as an attempt to gain enough confidence to tell him. But what did it matter if Daniel was dead set on fucking whatever strangers were most convenient? "I thought you had a date," he said, the words coming out more harshly than intended.

He watched Daniel stiffen, reaching into his locker with hands that trembled visibly to take his shirt out. "Perhaps I did," he said, slipping into it and starting to do up the buttons, and part of John was very sorry to see that skin covered. "Perhaps this was my date. My personal life is none of your business, John."

His words made John angrier. "You told me to find what made me happy. To start a real life, real relationships. How am I supposed to believe that when you do exactly the opposite of what you say?"

Another man had entered the changeroom, a tall ginger wearing nothing more than a towel. Daniel's eyes flicked to the newcomer, and his voice lowered. "You don't know what you're talking about," he hissed coldly, grabbing his vest from inside the locker and pulling it on without bothering to do it up, pulling his suit jacket on over top of it. "I'm sorry you can't deal with the fact that I'm sexually attracted to men - "

"That has nothing to do with it," John interrupted, incredulous and furious that Daniel would ever believe such a thing. "What I can't deal with is the fact that you're sleeping with strangers like some two dollar whore!"

Daniel had grabbed his hat and coat from the locker and slammed it shut, the bang reverberating throughout the room jarringly. "My choices are mine to make, not yours. I'll keep my promise to you but I won't have you interfering in my personal life. Unless you really want to be just like Them?"

The words stung, and John could hardly see from rage. "How _dare_ you - "

"I think we need some time apart," Daniel said, interrupting him, pushing past him and heading for the door. "Good night, John."

John stared at the empty doorway for a few moments after he'd left, not quite believing what had just happened. It was hard to keep the anger contained when all he wanted to do was lash out, to destroy everything around him in this hateful place. But that had been one of the first things Daniel had taught him, the false Daniel in his memories that he loved so much. To control himself. And for the sake of that Daniel he would. He drew a deep breath, concentrating on the feel of the cool air rushing into his lungs, warming as he held it there, then exhaling slowly.

"He an ex-boyfriend?" The tall ginger that had entered had turned to face him. He had a generous mouth that was turned up into a little sympathetic smile. It made John feel strangely better.

He gave a soft snort and shook his head. "No. Just a..." What were they, really? "Just a friend."

The man's eyebrows rose. "If you'll forgive me for saying so, it was a bit intimate of an argument for people who are just friends."

"Well, we are," John replied with a frown, though as the rage subsided he began to question even that. Daniel had never referred to them as friends, had he? It was all just created by John's memories. And maybe he'd fucked up even the chance of that, now. "I hope," he added, words almost muttered under his breath.

The man crossed the room to him, laying a hand on his shoulder, his blue eyes kind and a little sad. It was comforting, strangely. Not what he'd expected from this place. "You want him to be more than a friend, though."

"No," John said automatically, though it was a lie. "I don't know. It's... complicated."

The man gave a soft hum of understanding. "Well, Mr. Complicated... I'm Larry."

"John," John replied without thinking. But it did make him feel a little better, talking to someone other than Daniel. Someone that actually seemed to give a damn.

"John," Larry repeated, voice almost a purr, and suddenly John was reminded that he was standing next to an almost naked man in a place where men came to have sex. The remains of the anger that buzzed in him turned to desire so fast that he felt like his head was spinning. He looked the man over - toned, strong, broad shoulders sprinkled with freckles. Very attractive, his cock told him clearly. And more importantly, nothing like Daniel.

Larry was watching him with a little knowing smile. He moved to face him, letting his hands rest on John's hips, lowering his voice. "I can make you forget all about him, if you want."

 _Yes,_ said every part of John's mind and body, and he took the man's face in his hands and brought his mouth to his hungrily. It was nothing like kissing the girls; this man's desire was almost palatable, returning the kiss as enthusiastically as John gave it, his mouth warm and yearning as he licked and sucked at John's lips and tongue. His hands tightened on John's hips, pulling them together, his body all strength and hard angles and warmth. "Oh god," John gasped against his mouth, kissing him again as he slipped one arm around him to clutch at his back. 

Larry pulled back with a soft chuckle, giving him a very inviting smile. "My apartment's just down the street, if you want someplace more comfortable?"

John hesitated, then nodded. "Please." It would be better to get away from this place altogether.

Larry grinned, pulling away completely. "Just let me get my things, handsome."

Larry dressed quickly, and John tried to ignore the fact that he was already half hard as he left the building with him, passing the key back to the guy at the admissions desk and trying to ignore his smirk. "Why are you taking me home?" he asked as they walked together outside, the streetlights throwing Larry's features into stark relief. "I'm kind of a mess."

"You're not that much of a mess," Larry replied, slipping an arm around his waist and falling into stride with him easily. "What you are is incredibly good looking. And maybe I like being fucked by slightly angry, broken-hearted men."

He couldn't deny it, and his cock twitched in his slacks at the thought of doing just that. "Even if they aren't used to fucking men?"

Larry gave a soft hum of understanding, looking over at him through his eyelashes, generous mouth turning up into a very suggestive smile. "I'll make you a pro in no time, handsome. Come on."

John let himself be pulled up the steps to the apartment building. Larry ignored the elevator and took him down the hall to a first floor apartment, unlocking the door and pulling him inside. John found himself pressed back against the closed door before he could react, Larry's body warm and inviting against his as he claimed his mouth, and John couldn't help but arch up against him, moaning into his mouth as his hips rocked against the other man's. So much better than kissing the girls, he found himself thinking again. Every part of his body ached for more, wanted to do nothing more than lose himself completely to pleasure with this man.

He reached between them to fumble with the buttons of his shirt, wanting to feel his bare skin again. Larry chuckled against his mouth, pushing his hands away and reaching for John's belt instead, one hand cupping his cock through his slacks as he pulled them undone. "The first thing you need to learn," he murmured against his mouth, smiling at John's hopeless groan as he slipped a hand inside his boxers, "is that if you try and fuck me now you'll go off like a firework and we won't have nearly as much fun as we will if I do this first."

"I will not - " John started almost indignantly, but then Larry was on his knees in front of him, pulling his slacks down enough to free his cock, covering it with hungry laps of his tongue, and John couldn't do anything but grab at his shoulders and try and stay upright. Larry's mouth was hot and wet and perfect as his lips parted over the head of his cock, one hand curling around the base to stroke him as he sucked him, groaning around him.

"Holy god," he gasped helplessly, thighs trembling a little with the effort of not thrusting up into his mouth. His fingers tangled in auburn locks at the back of his head, something that Larry seemed to appreciate very much, making little hungry sounds in his throat that shuddered through John like a livewire. His free hand gripped John's hip, then moved to cup his balls, squeezing and stroking gently, as if determined to drive John completely mad.

John let his head fall back against the door with a soft thud, closing his eyes and grasping at the edges of control to keep from coming right away. "Gonna come in your mouth if you keep doing that," he gasped, whimpering as Larry's lips pulled from his cock.

"That's the idea," he hummed, sucking and licking at the head of his cock. "If you want you can think about him when you do." Then his lips were sliding down his shaft again, and John felt the head of his cock nudge the back of his throat before Larry swallowed around him, groaning hungrily as he did. John's mind couldn't help but return to that agonizing fantasy of Daniel on his knees in front of him in his hotel penthouse, blue eyes looking up at him through his eyelashes as he took his cock in his mouth. His fingers tightened in Larry's hair, hips jerking up into his mouth as he came with a shout, pleasure erupting and shuddering through him as he emptied himself into the man's welcoming mouth.

"Mmm..." He was vaguely aware of Larry's appreciative hum as he pulled back, licking him clean before doing up his slacks carefully. He settled back on his heels, resting his hands on John's thighs and looking up at him with a smile that John could only describe as smug. "Delicious."

John gave a soft laugh, trying to catch his breath. "You're very good at that."

"I've had a lot of practice," came the shameless reply, still with a smile. He stood, shrugging out of his coat and hanging it on the coat rack before holding a hand out for John's. "Would you like something to drink?"

"Um." John tried to think about that, mind still feeling a bit scrambled as he handed over his coat. "Sure? Can't I do anything for you?"

"We can fuck in a bit," came the cheerful reply, and John tried not to stare at the curve of the man's ass as he walked towards the kitchen. "I did just come from the bath house."

"Oh," John replied a little stupidly, following him into the kitchen. "Do you go there... often?"

"Often enough. It's convenient. I work long hours." He gave a little shrug, pulling two glasses from a cupboard and ice from the Frigidaire. "Scotch on the rocks?"

"Yeah, that sounds great." He watched the man pour, still feeling strangely out of his element. But this was what he'd wanted, wasn't it? A no strings attached romp so he could figure out just exactly how he was wired. "What do you do?"

Larry finished pouring out generous helpings of the scotch and handed one to him. "Just a cop, nothing special. You?"

"Uh..." John took a sip of scotch to buy some time while he thought of a suitable response, coming up with nothing that actually made sense. "Nothing at the moment, actually," he said finally, giving what he hoped was an apologetic smile. "I'm an eccentric millionaire."

Larry gave a low chuckle, swallowing a sip of the scotch. "That's quite the career choice."

John grinned and gave a little shrug. "It sounds kind of ridiculous, doesn't it? I was in business," he tried to explain, ideas coming together finally. "With my father, in another city. But our limo was in a very serious car crash, at least that's what they tell me. I lost my father and my memory, almost completely."

Larry's eyebrows knit together, suddenly sympathetic. "I'm sorry to hear that."

John shook his head, offering a smile. "It's hard to mourn what you don't remember," he replied frankly. "Staying at home was too strange when everyone knew me and I remembered nothing. Then I met Daniel - that guy from the bath house I was arguing with - and he suggested starting over. So I came here. I bought a house in Shell Beach but it's too quiet out there, so I'm staying in the city for a bit." He was babbling, but it felt good, making a history for himself, fitting himself into the city somehow.

"Is he your doctor?" Larry asked quietly, concerned, and John stared at him for a moment.

"Oh. No," he said, a little awkwardly. "He's just - a friend. I mean, he worked for my father sometimes. Consulting. Personality assessments for employees and stuff like that. I didn't know him well before the accident, or at least that's what he said."

"So you're why he moved here as well," Larry mused, sipping his scotch. "Not that it's any of my business, but you should really talk to him about how you feel."

"I don't know how I feel," John replied with a frown. "I don't even know if I'm wired that way. That's the only reason I came to the bath house. I wasn't looking for him, I was just trying to figure myself out."

"And your girlfriend?"

John took another sip of his scotch. "I don't remember her at all," he replied with a frown. "I don't feel anything for her. I tried, but...." Suddenly reason caught up to what he was saying, and his head snapped up to look at him. "How did you know about - and how did you know he's a doctor?"

"I've talked to him a few times," Larry replied casually, draining his glass and setting it down on the counter. "So you're trying to figure out whether or not you're actually attracted to him or just fixated because he's the only person you know here, yes? Sounds like you should talk to him."

"Did you have sex with him?" The words tumbled from his mouth before he could stop himself, but Larry just smiled in reply, soft and a little sad.

"Would you like another scotch?"

"Did you?"

Larry let a hand rest on his chest, his gaze serious. "Do you really want to know the answer to that?"

"You did, didn't you." John closed his eyes and leaned back against the counter, head spinning, feeling slightly sick. "Oh god."

He felt the glass of scotch tugged from his fingers, heard Larry refill it before pressing it back into his hand. "Have a drink, handsome. Don't be jealous. There's nothing between us."

"I don't know if that makes me feel any better," John muttered, taking a large swallow. It was good scotch, but he was more appreciative about the way it warmed his limbs and numbed his heart than he was about the taste. He opened his eyes to look at him. "Is that why you picked me up?"

"I picked you up because I thought you were gorgeous and wanted you to fuck me," Larry replied with a smirk. "The curiosity was extra." He stepped closer to him, stroking his hands over John's hips, just barely keeping space between them, and John could feel the heat of his body.

Despite himself, he felt a soft shiver of desire, and fought the urge to press closer to him. "I don't really know what to think about this."

"Then don't," Larry told him, thumbs stroking slow circles on his hip bones through his slacks. "You're here because you want to find out what makes you tick, right? Well, I think the answer's obvious, but I don't think you'll believe it until you actually experience it." He pressed closer, body warm against his, and John could feel himself respond as Larry nuzzled along his jaw, voice low and husky. "Do you still want to fuck me?"

John set his glass aside blindly, tilting his head back as his breath came faster. He let his hands rest on the other man's back, thoughts a jumble. "I... I don't know. I should hate you."

"I don't think you're that kind of person," Larry murmured, nuzzling his neck, pressing warm kisses to his skin. "I think you're just trying to figure yourself out so you can be a good lover."

John bit his lip and closed his eyes, hands sliding down to cup the other man's ass as he rocked up against him slowly, shuddering at the exquisite contact. "Am I?"

"Mmhmm...." Larry's lips were hot on his jaw, sucking his earlobe into his mouth and nibbling on it. "You want to be perfect for him. You want to be able to take care of him, please him, make him so deliriously happy that he won't ever want anyone but you...."

John let out a shuddering sigh, turning his face to nuzzle Larry's hair, hands kneading at his firm ass. "Yes..." he breathed softly, the admission making his heart twist painfully. "God, I'm doing this all wrong...."

"You're only human," Larry replied, hips rocking against his slowly. "Talk to him. He'll understand."

The thought of their argument made him feel ill again. "I'm such a bastard. I shouldn't even be here."

"You're no worse than any other jealous lover," Larry replied, pulling back just enough to look at him, one hand coming up to stroke his cheek reassuringly. "And you're here because if you fuck me it'll level the playing field."

John leaned in to indulge in a kiss, knowing that they were probably going to end up in bed whether or not it was a good idea. He nipped at Larry's full bottom lip, tugging his shirt from his slacks to stroke his hands up his bare back. "You just want to get laid."

"Of course I do," Larry purred, hands stroking up his chest to start on the buttons of his shirt. "But you know that I'm right. Sleep with me and he hasn't done anything worse than you have. You can forgive him in your heart and start over. You know it's what you want."

The insistent grind of Larry's hips against his was making it very hard for him to think about arguing. "I don't know if you're right or if I'm just too turned on to care," he breathed, and Larry chuckled, kissing him again as he finished undoing his shirt.

"I am right," he murmured, fingers brushing against his nipples. "And you want to fuck me so that you know how to please him... how to make him come completely undone under you as you bury your cock in his tight little ass...."

"Fuck...." The expletive escaped his mouth in a breath at the pulse of desire Larry's words sent through him. He pushed the man back, voice a growl as he met his gaze. "Bed. Now."

Larry's grin was approving and promising, and he grabbed John's pants by the front of his belt, pulling him through the apartment and into a tidy bedroom. Then he was on him again, kissing him hungrily as he pushed his shirt and jacket off his shoulders and yanked his belt undone, helping John pull his own clothes off. Soon enough they were completely nude and in bed together, Larry pressing him down onto his back and stealing his breath with kisses, cock hard against his stomach as he rocked his hips against him. John let his hands smooth over his back, tracing the line of his spine and taking in the feel of his body, firm and strong. When he stroked his hands down over his ass Larry gave a little needy whine, hips bucking harder against him. "God, you make me feel like a desperate little bitch."

He couldn't help but laugh breathlessly, giving in to the knowledge that this was going to happen and he might as well make the most of it. He shifted under him, pushing Larry to one side and rolling on top of him, pinning him to the bed and grinning down at him. “I think you are a desperate little bitch,” he said with a smirk, and Larry closed his eyes, arching up against him with another little whine that John found incredibly gratifying. He let his mouth drop to the man’s neck, kissing and sucking along the length of his throat before nipping at his collarbone, rocking slowly against his cock.

“You sure you haven’t done this before?” Larry gasped, fingers tangling in his hair.

“Not that I remember,” John replied with a chuckle, stroking a hand over his chest, taking in the feel of his skin, the spattering of fine ginger hair. He let himself toy with a nipple, remembering how good it had felt, smiling at the groan it pulled from Larry’s mouth as he moved down to mouth at the other one.

“A little confidence goes a long way,” Larry noted breathlessly, body arched, shuddering a little under him as he tugged on one nipple with his teeth.

As nice as it was to lose himself to Larry’s body, John couldn’t help but think about Daniel. Had it been like this with him? Part of him suddenly wanted to experience everything. If he couldn’t have Daniel…. He kissed his way down Larry’s chest with sudden determination, licking at the firm muscles of his stomach, and then taking his cock in his mouth without hesitation.

“Jesus Christ,” Larry gasped, hips jerking up without warning, but John managed to take it, letting the head of his cock nudge the back of his throat before pulling back with a low moan. He shifted to settle between his thighs, wrapping one hand around the base of his cock to hold him in place as he covered him in long licks, closing his eyes and taking in the taste of his skin, the warm hardness of his cock against his tongue. There was something extremely gratifying about it, about making Larry’s breath grow ragged as his lips parted over the head of his cock again, sucking at him as let his lips slide down the shaft of his cock until they met his fingers.

“You’ve definitely done this before,” Larry breathed, hands stroking restlessly through his hair, exerting a little pressure on the base of his skull that John found very encouraging.

He chuckled around him, sucking at him as he moved back so that his cock pulled from his lips with a soft pop. “Perhaps,” he said, nuzzling his shaft, licking at the bead of precome that pearled at the tip of his cock and finding the taste not unpleasant. “Maybe I was a huge playboy. Maybe I was a rich little whore.”

Larry chuckled, stroking his fingers through his hair as he took him in his mouth again. “I think you like being a little bit dirty,” he breathed, fingers tightening in his hair. “Oh god, that’s good. Here – finger me while you do that….”

John raised his head as a small bottle was pressed against the side of his hand. He took it with a smirk, pouring some lube onto his fingers and stroking back between his thighs, teasing the tight pucker of flesh. “I think you like being dirty, too,” he said with a smirk, taking his cock in his mouth again. Yes, he thought as he worked a slick finger inside him, cock throbbing in anticipation. He was definitely wired this way.

Even just fingering him open was intensely gratifying, the way he could reduce Larry to whimpers and breathless gasps for more making him almost unbearably hot. “Enough,” he gasped finally, squirming under him. “Good god, John. Let me ride you. Please, fuck.”

“Definitely a desperate little bitch,” John replied with a grin, pulling away and laying back against the headboard. Larry was on him without hesitation or complaint, straddling his hips and catching his mouth in a hungry kiss. His fingers curled around the base of his cock to hold him in place, and then he was rocking down onto him, the heat of his body almost overwhelming, tight and shuddering around John’s cock as he pushed him deeper with each rock of his hips.

His hands moved to clench Larry’s hips almost without thinking, pulling him closer as his hips rocked up to meet him, finally burying himself to the hilt. “God - !” he gasped, the sensation overwhelming. “Oh god, you feel so – this is – oh _fuck,_ Larry – “

His lover chuckled breathlessly, pushing himself up, hands braced on John’s shoulders as he started to move on him. “Good?”

“Understand the whole… firework thing,” he answered, a little distracted, stroking hands restlessly over his hips and ass and admiring the sight of him astride him, cock bobbing with each cant of his hips. “God you’re hot.”

Larry chuckled again, biting his lip as he shifted a little on him, a shudder running through him. “God yes….”

“Tell me what it feels like,” John asked, watching him, drinking his reactions, pleasure thrumming through him.

It took Larry a moment to respond, slowing a little, breathless. “Physically… so good. Your cock sliding into my ass… so many nerves… and hitting against my prostate… oh god - !” He bucked down harder with a little cry, hands clenching at his shoulders. “Nothing like it, Jesus Christ - !”

John braced his feet on the bed, rocking up into him smoothly and meeting his rhythm. “Feels so good, fucking you,” he gasped, and when Larry slowed he couldn't help but give a little whine of complaint.

"Show me," Larry replied in a low growl, pulling away completely and settling on his hands and knees on the bed. He met his gaze with a smirk and a challenge. "Fuck me from behind, John."

He didn't have to consider that for more than a moment, settling on his knees behind him and teasing his ass with the head of his cock. It was good to take control, to hear Larry moan as he started to press into him, fingers curling around his hips as he rocked slowly deeper. It took a few moments to get used to, to figure out how to move with him, thrusting smooth and deep and feeling Larry push back against him as he did.

Larry shifted a little to lean on his forearms, and John could feel him shudder as he rocked into him, a breathless groan escaping his lips. "Jesus Christ yes, just like that - oh god, John, harder - !"

John bit his lip and tried to pick up the pace, hips slamming against the firm globes of his ass with each thrust. Larry's responsiveness and obvious pleasure was heady and a little intoxicating, and John could feel his own pleasure building. "Want me to jerk you off?"

"Just fuck me," Larry gasped, rocking back against him with a little breathless grunt. "Fuck, like that, don't stop, oh god don't stop - !"

"God - !" John bit his lip, moving a little harder and trying to stem back the tide of passion. But even in the thick of sex he couldn't keep his mind from Daniel, from the thought of him on his hands and knees like this in front of him, presenting that pert, round ass to him to be fucked. "Oh god," he gasped, hips stuttering as he tried to think about something, anything else. His fingers dug into Larry's hips as he closed his eyes and tried to get himself back on track, driving into him hard, and underneath him, his lover gave a breathless, throaty cry. He bucked back against him, body tightening around him, shuddering as he came.

"God yes," John heard himself gasping, rocking into him again and again as he let his passion finally crest. "God, Daniel, oh fuck yes - !" After coming earlier his orgasm felt almost completely overwhelming, mind lost to the intensity of sensation as he emptied himself inside him, and even as pleasure ebbed he couldn't quite think clearly enough to remember if he'd said Daniel's name out loud or just thought it.

If he had, Larry didn't remark on it, pressing his ass back against John's hips with a low groan and rocking against him ever so slightly. It was almost agonizing in his post-orgasm hypersensitivity, and John finally had to take hold of his hips to still him in order to pull away. "Oh my god."

"So what's the verdict?" Larry flopped down on his side, deftly avoiding the wet spot and grinning up at him. 

John flopped down on top of it without a second thought, sparing a tendril of thought to clean it up completely. "The verdict?" he asked, a little distracted.

"On fucking men," Larry replied with a suggestive quirk of his eyebrows.

John gave a laugh in response, stroking his fingers over his chest and admiring the strength under his skin. "It's amazing. I really don't know if I should have done this, though."

Larry shrugged, shifting to stretch out on his back. "Well, since it's done now you might as well stick around and have sex with me again."

"Again?" John was appalled before he caught the teasing glint in his eyes, and he laughed, shaking his head. "You're incorrigible."

"Can't blame a guy for trying," Larry replied, still smiling, lacing his fingers under his head. He looked over at John. "Seriously, though. You're going to talk to him about this whole wanting his hot ass thing, right?"

John sighed, then nodded slowly. "I... yeah. I guess."

"That wasn't exactly the answer I was looking for."

John stared up at the ceiling, trying to put his thoughts into words. "I don't even think he's interested in me. What if it drives him away and I lose the only connection I have in this city?"

He heard Larry chuckle softly, shaking his head. "First of all, I don't think that's going to be the case. Secondly, in case you've forgotten, you compared him to a two-dollar hooker earlier. I don't think you can really make things between you any worse than you already have."

"Oh fuck," John muttered, the memory coming back in a rush of embarrassment.

"Cheer up, green eyes. Nowhere to go but up."

John turned his head to look at him again. "Why do you care so much? I'd think you'd prefer us to say separated."

Larry shrugged. "I told you there's nothing between us. I thought I'd like there to be, when I first met him. I thought he reminded me of someone I used to know. He's sweet enough, but not really what I'm looking for." His smile was suddenly wistful, and he turned his head to meet John's gaze. "Just do right by him, okay?"

It was something John hadn't really considered before, and now the thought made his heart clench painfully. Daniel had always taken care of him: in his memories, of course, but also here as well. And what had he done in return? Abandoned him when he fled the city for Shell Beach with hardly a thought for his welfare. Then when he did contact Daniel it was because he'd been driven by his own needs, not out of concern for him at all.

"Yeah," he replied, the word coming out thicker than he'd expected, and he swallowed down emotion, clearing his throat. "Yeah, you're right. I will."

"Good." Larry stretched out again with a satisfied little hum. "I'd tell you to look me up for another romp if things don't work out, but they will, so I won't bother."

John chuckled softly, then pushed himself up on one arm, looking down on him. "I should probably go.... thank you."

"For the sex? Anytime, sexy."

"For the advice," John shot back with a frown, leaning in to press a warm kiss to his lips. "Well, and the sex too. Take care of yourself, okay?"

"You too," Larry replied, and sat up with him to see him out, waiting while John found his various pieces of discarded clothing and seeing him to the door, seemingly unconcerned about his nakedness.

It was far too late to call Daniel immediately, John reflected as he made his way down the street to where he'd left the car. And he deserved more than a simple apology, anyway. Maybe he'd let John take him to dinner. Maybe they could even go out to Shell Beach.

Yes, John decided, driving through the darkened streets of the city. He'd call Daniel in the morning.

~~~


	4. Chapter 4

John slept restlessly and woke early the next morning, far too early to call Daniel. He forced himself to order breakfast and picked at it, just drinking the coffee more than anything else. Then he dressed, altering his clothes several times before settling on a suit in deep charcoal, his shirt a light sage with a deeper green tie that he rather thought brought out his eyes.

When he finally called Daniel's home number, the call went to his answering machine. John hung up without leaving a message. He tried his office next, wondering if he'd returned there, but there was no answer either.

Frowning, John stared at the phone as he put it back on its crook, trying to decide what to do. He could leave a message, of course, and let Daniel get back to him, but it felt like that could take forever. And then there was the nagging fear that after last night's argument perhaps Daniel wouldn't want to speak to him at all....

Probably best to go see him in person, then. He could beg Daniel's forgiveness and ask him to dinner as an apology. He very much wanted to take a huge armful of flowers but realized that would probably be too much; instead he settled on a large, flowering white begonia plant. For the office, he could rationalize. He tried to ignore the hotel valet's amused look as he settled the plant in the passenger seat of his car, fastening the lap belt around the pot to hold it in place before driving to Daniel's office.

As luck would have it, he saw Daniel exiting the apartment building across the street as he approached, starting down the block at an easy walk. He looked uncharacteristically rumpled for a man who was generally so neat with his appearance, John thought as he drew closer, and he recognized the suit from the day before.

He saw Daniel stop dead as he pulled the car up to the curb, and as he hopped out of the driver's seat and rounded the car Daniel just looked at him with thinly veiled dread, like he wanted nothing more than to bolt.

John stopped a few feet in front of him, suddenly feeling awkward. "I brought you a plant," he said, and stopped, immediately embarrassed at how stupid it sounded. "For your office," he tried to explain, still failing to feel any less idiotic at his words.

Daniel wouldn't quite look at him, and he glanced to the plant in the front seat of the car, giving a slow nod. "Thank you...?"

"I wanted to apologize," he started, his words coming out in a rush. "Last night when I saw you I was entirely out of line and a complete asshole. I shouldn't have said what I did, and I wish I could take it back. I'm so sorry, Daniel."

Daniel still wouldn't meet his gaze, and gave a little shake of his head. "There's no need to apologize. You have every right not to approve of – "

Being reminded of his conduct made John feel worse. He interrupted, needing to correct Daniel's misconception. "I don't have any issues with the fact that you're gay, I'm sorry if I ever made you think I did, I - "

"John, you made it very clear what you have issues with. It's all right. You aren't wrong." He glanced up to meet his gaze, then looked away. "All the reasons I have for doing what I've done are nothing more than excuses. I shouldn't be telling you to find meaning in your life while I’m doing the complete opposite."

"No," John said helplessly. This wasn't going the way he wanted at all. "I want you to be happy, too. All I've done since I – god, all I've ever done is make demands of you and thought of myself and what I need and, and...." He stopped, forcing himself to take a deep breath and gather his thoughts. "I want you do to do what you want, what you need, what makes you happy. You've endured more than I could ever imagine. You deserve far more than to be saddled with the demands of a spoiled little rich boy."

Daniel was silent through his speech, quiet and closed off, and when John finally finished he gave a small nod. "Thank you. I appreciate that."

It was nothing like the warmth John had seen in their time together over the past couple of days, nothing like the companionship he craved so badly. "Let me make up for last night," he begged softly. "Let me take you for dinner tonight. Wherever you want, whatever you want to do. I'll do anything you ask me to."

Daniel wet his lips, staring at the pavement. "And if I ask you to leave me alone?"

John felt his stomach drop like lead. He swallowed hard. "I... okay. Okay. I guess I deserve that. If you need time to forgive me that's fair. Whatever you need."

Daniel gave a soft sigh and shook his head, suddenly looking very weary. "It's not that, John. I'm not asking this out of anger, not entirely, in any case. Yes, I was hurt by what you said and I won't argue with your apology, and I know you wouldn't have said anything like that if you didn't at some level care for my happiness and well being. I've thought about a lot of things since I last saw you, and I realize that I just... need some time. Time to remember what it is like to be a free man, time to find myself and my purpose and my happiness. If I'm with you it will become entirely too easy to become codependent on you, and that's not what you need either." He looked up at John helplessly. "You do understand, don't you, John?"

"No," John said truthfully, a little miserably. He hadn't ever imagined the possibility of no Daniel at all, and now, faced with it, the thought was almost overwhelmingly painful. "What do I do without you?"

Daniel shook his head, looking almost as upset as John felt. "Please don't say that, please. I can't be what you need me to be right now. You asked what I needed. This is the truth of it. I need some time away. I need you to find your place in the city and let me find mine."

John swallowed hard, waiting for the lump in his throat to lessen so he could speak again. "That's fair," he managed finally, quietly. "Can I see you at all? The machines under the city...."

"We'll go again in a few weeks," Daniel answered. "I'll call you. If you leave the hotel please leave your new number on my answering machine."

"Okay," he said again. "Can I leave the begonias with you?"

Daniel gave a small, thin smile and nodded, following him to the car and letting John place them into his arms. "Take care of yourself, John."

"You too," he echoed, wanting to say so much more and knowing that he couldn't. He watched Daniel cross the street to his office building with the plant, watched until the man disappeared inside, then got back into his car and returned to the hotel.

"I'd like a two-six of whiskey in my room immediately," he said to the woman behind the VIP desk. "Whiskey and ice and a glass, and I don't want to be disturbed for any reason."

He left before she could say anything, summoning an elevator with his mind and hiding himself away in his room. When the whiskey arrived he drank until he couldn't see straight and proceeded to throw everything breakable in the room against the wall. Juvenile, he knew, but he didn't care. He'd fix it tomorrow, and in the haze of the drink it was the only way he could think of to let out his anger and sorrow without completely leveling the whole fucking city.

~~~

 

After nursing the hangover from hell and righting his hotel suite, John managed to put himself back together. Then, for a few days, he just tried to get to know the city. Sometimes he'd drive for hours, up and down every street, taking in the apartment buildings, the houses, the businesses. Part of him hoped that something would miraculously jump out at him, some niche to fill, something to inspire him, give him purpose.

Nothing could take his thoughts from Daniel for very long.

A hazy whisper of a memory finally took him to the business registry at city hall. It was a crazy idea, he realized halfway through babbling it out to the woman behind the licensing desk. A boat, a cruise ship that would sail the river like a mobile nightclub. Lit up like a floating birthday cake, he found himself saying, knowing that the words that spilled from his lips were as false a memory as everything else. But he had to start somewhere, didn't he? Maybe this could be his passion. Maybe if he could set this up successfully it would give him something to focus on besides the emptiness inside him.

He'd said those words to Emma the first time they met, or were supposed to have met. He knew that as a fact. But somehow when he tried to summon the memory all he could remember was Daniel, standing on the sidewalk by the riverside, blue eyes earnest and a perfect red rose held out to him in offering.

If the licensing clerk noticed anything about his uneasiness she didn't say anything. She ended up being more helpful than John thought she needed to be; he left the office with not just his preliminary paperwork, but the name of a realtor that specialized in corporate purchases and the address of a boating club in Shell Beach that could help him start looking for a crew.

The thought of returning to Shell Beach gave him the same uncomfortable feeling he felt whenever he happened to drive by Daniel's office, or whenever something triggered a memory he'd tried to repress. He couldn't help but think about his house in Shell Beach - _their_ house - filled with Daniel's things that were never actually his at all.

Still, he made the drive, parking his car in front of that little cafe in town where he'd taken Anna that first morning, walking slowly along the sidewalk and blinking in the bright afternoon sun. It smelled of sunlight and green spaces and the sea. It was beautiful, he decided, despite being a poignant reflection of his own loneliness. Everything was made up of images from his childhood; idyllic perfection filled with memories of Daniel.

Something caught his attention out of the corner of his eye, and he turned back towards the cafe to see Anna emerge, followed closely by the waitress-formerly-known-as-May. They turned to walk away from him down the sidewalk, heads together, all smiles and soft laughter and words that were stolen by the wind before they reached his ears. Then May slipped an arm around Anna's waist, pulling her possessively close and pressing a kiss to her hair.

John's stomach twisted, a sense of longing rushing through him. Not for Anna, not even for Emma. But the familiarity, the happiness he saw....

It was something he'd never have with Daniel.

He realized he'd been fighting this truth since the last time he'd seen Daniel, trying to deny it, trying to believe that somehow if he did everything right he could convince Daniel to give him the type of relationship he wanted. But he'd just been lying to himself. Daniel didn't even want his company. He'd made that perfectly clear.

The realization went against a lifetime of memories that told him otherwise, though. Perhaps that was the problem. Perhaps that was what was keeping him from accepting things as they were and moving on. If he could forget about Daniel, forget this fake past that he wanted so badly to be real... maybe then he could meet someone and start over. Some guy, some girl. Live a normal life. He could see Daniel every few weeks to make sure the city was running all right and not feel this pain and longing, if only he could forget....

It was a sobering realization, but at least he finally felt like he knew the path that he had to take.

He drove into town, spotting a phone booth a few blocks from Daniel's office and parking beside it. He dialed his home number from memory, listening to the phone ring on the other end, praying that he'd pick up.

"Daniel Schreber."

The sound of his voice made John's throat close up, a rush of longing and sorrow stealing his words long enough that Daniel spoke again.

"Hello? Is someone there?"

"Daniel." His voice was rough when he spoke. "It's John. I'm sorry to call you. I just - I just need to come see you. I promise I won't take much of your time."

He heard a soft sigh from the end of phone, and when Daniel spoke again his voice sounded low and perhaps a little sad. "Certainly. I'm at home. Unit one-oh-four. Use the buzzer at the door and I'll let you in."

It surprised him to have Daniel agree so readily, but he didn't question it. "Thank you. I'll be there soon. Thanks, Daniel."

"Soon," the other man echoed, and John ended the call. It didn't take him long to reach Daniel's apartment building, climbing the steps and hitting the call button for 104. There was no response beyond the soft buzzing of the door unlocking, and John made his way inside, finding the unit without difficulty on the first floor.

Daniel's smile seemed strained as he opened the door. "Hello John. May I take your coat?"

John shook his head, the sight of the other man causing the knot of nerves in his core to twist and flip-flop painfully. "No, no thank you. I won't be here long. I just needed to ask you to help me with something."

"Of course." Daniel looked a little worried as he watched him. "What would you like me to do?"

John swallowed hard, and then took a deep breath, letting the words spill out. "I need you to help me fix the machines. I need to re-make my memories. Not to forget how to Tune, just... everything else but that. I need to forget you and Emma and everything else I remember that's a lie."

Daniel went very still, and perhaps a little more pale. "Why?"

John gave a hard, choked laugh. "I can't live with what I remember. I can't cope, I'm going mad. I need to just start over from scratch with everything."

"I'm not certain that is the best idea...."

"I am." His voice broke on the words. "Please, Daniel. You promised you'd do anything I needed. This is what I need. Please."

Daniel was silent for a long moment, staring down at the floor, and John was sure he was about to refuse. What would he do then? But Daniel finally pushed past him, taking his coat and hat off the hat stand and shrugging into them. "All right," he said softly, not looking at John. "Let's go."

Daniel was silent as they made their way down the hall and left the apartment building, letting John walk ahead of him. There was a place nearby that he could open up into the Stranger's relm, take Daniel back to the remnants of his old lab and set about putting things back together for him. Maybe they could finish completely today. Maybe by nightfall he could forget about everything and be rid of all this loneliness and loss....

Then he heard Daniel's footsteps stop at the bottom of the building's stairs, and when he turned back the other man's head was lowered, his posture defeated, the brim of his hat hiding his face. John moved back to him, heart twisting painfully. "Daniel...?"

"I'm sorry," the other man said, voice thick with emotion. "Please, continue. I'll catch up with you. I just... need a moment."

"Daniel...."

"I'm sorry," Daniel blurted again suddenly, choking back a gasp, and when he looked up at John he could see dampness behind his glasses. "I know we have not always agreed, but I - I always hoped to have some worth in your eyes."

"Oh god." The reality of what he was actually asking of Daniel hit John like a hammer, and before he could think he was moving, pulling Daniel tight into his arms, almost crushing him to him.

The doctor froze against him, not returning the embrace, but not trying to pull away. "...John?"

"It's not you," he rasped, heart aching, pressing his face to his hair. "Please believe me, Daniel. It's nothing you've done or haven't done, I just - god. You have so much worth."

"But you want to forget me." The words were broken, helpless.

A lump formed in John's throat. "I want to forget what's not real."

"I don't understand...."

John pulled back, hands on his shoulders, searching Daniel's gaze and trying to find the words he couldn't even fully explain to himself. "I've known you my entire life. Everything I can remember, every step of the way you were beside me. But that's only real to me, not you. You hardly know me at all, and I can't keep trying to live with that anymore. I can't start over unless I can forget about that completely."

He'd expected that Daniel would be upset, but instead his expression softened. He brought one hand up to touch the side of John's face, fingers stroking over his hair. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I hadn't expected that my presence in your memories would make so much of an impact."

"You underestimate yourself," John replied, wanting so badly to lean into the touch and refraining with every bit of willpower he had left. "You've always been the most important thing to me in this bloody city. Memories or no memories."

Daniel looked down, silent for a long moment. "Would it help you if we could bring Emma back?"

"No." The answer came almost immediately. "I won't play god with people like that. And it wouldn't help. Emma's not what's real to me."

"Shall I... shall I give myself memories of you, then?" The words were brittle, almost terrified, and John pulled away, taking a few helpless steps back and raking his own hands through his hair.

"No. God, no. I don't - I don't know what I want."

"Perhaps..." Daniel's voice was tentative. "Perhaps we could return to my apartment and discuss this further?"

"Yeah." John fell into step behind him, going back into the building and following Daniel back to his apartment. "I don't want to forget you," he blurted suddenly, heart aching. "I don't. Not ever. I just don't know what to do anymore."

Daniel was silent, touching a hand to John's elbow as he pushed his door open, guiding him back inside. "May I... propose something?"

"Of course," John muttered, hanging his jacket up as Daniel did as well. For a moment there was no reply, and he turned back to the other man. "...Daniel?"

"I want to remember you," Daniel said softly, looking up at him over the frames of his glasses. "I just need a little time to catch up to you. To know you. We can spend time together, I won't cut you out anymore. I would like very much to be your friend, John. Please forgive me what I do not know."

The lump in John's throat hadn't completely disappeared, and he swallowed hard. "I don't know if I can just be your friend. My memories... it's too much."

The disappointment in Daniel's expression was brutally blatant, and he turned away. "... I see."

"No, you don't," John said desperately. "It's not you, Daniel. That's what I've been trying to tell you. I want to know you, but I can't get over myself. I have this jealous beast inside me that rears its head every time I think about you with anyone - going out or, or - anything else, I just - I can't deal with it...."

Daniel gave a soft, almost inaudible laugh, still not looking at him. "If you're asking me to live a life of celibacy - "

"I'm not asking you to - "

"I'll do it." The reply was soft, but resolute. "If that's what you need. I told you long ago, John. Anything you ask of me. Or in this case, anything you won't ask but need anyway."

John closed his eyes with a heavy sigh. "It's not what I need."

"No?" Daniel's voice was gentle, and he moved back to stand in front of him, one hand reaching to touch his cheek again, urging him to return his gaze. This time John let himself lean into the touch, just a little, encouraged when Daniel didn't pull away. "Will you try to tell me, John? Please."

John was silent for a long moment, trying to search his gaze, wishing he could somehow know whether or not he was about to make the biggest mistake yet. Daniel's expression was calm, open... a little hopeful. Maybe it would be enough. And if not... at least he'd finally understand.

John stepped closer, bringing a hand up to mirror Daniel's touch to his cheek, his other hand taking hold of his hip, intimate and possessive. As he tilted Daniel's face up towards his, he saw a flash of surprise in his expression that quickly turned to a calm understanding, and when his lips finally met Daniel's the other man melted into him as naturally as if they'd done this a thousand times.

It felt right, he realized with a sudden surge of relief. Warm and right and so good, claiming Daniel's lips again and again as his arms wrapped up around John's neck, a soft, appreciative moan deep in his throat that fueled the warmth inside John even more. Daniel's lips parted without hesitation when John let the tip of his tongue flick against his mouth, drawing him in, deeper, closer, murmuring John's name softly against his lips between kisses.

"I want you," John said finally, softly, letting his forehead rest against Daniel's. "I want you with me, no one else. At first I just thought it was for companionship because it was all I'd ever known, but now, after spending time with you, after feeling like I'd lost you...." He gave a soft sigh, fingers tightening on Daniel's hips, and kissed him again, encouraged by the soft, yearning moan Daniel gave in reply. "I want you," he murmured again between kisses. "I want this."

"Yes," Daniel gasped, breath becoming more laboured as they kissed. "You have me. Every part of me. God..."

"Really?" he asked, still half unbelieving, and Daniel gave a soft, incredulous laugh, pressing closer still as he buried his face in John's neck, breathing deeply against his skin. It sent a pulse of desire down his spine, straight to his cock.

"God yes," Daniel murmured, voice husky as he pressed a kiss to his neck, then another. "John, you're exquisite. I'm sorry I tried to push you away. I didn't think you could accept this part of me, let alone.... Oh god, if you ever thought there was anyone in the city I cared about more, anyone I wanted more...."

John cut him off with another kiss, feeling almost delirious, never wanting to stop. "Should have told me."

"Should I?" Daniel pulled back just enough to look at him seriously, fingers running through his hair. "You were meant to be with Emma. It's why I sent Anna after you. You weren't supposed to..." his lips quirked in a smile. "Lean this way. Not that I'm complaining."

"Then I should have told you," John admitted. "I should have said something instead of just being a jealous asshole. I'm sorry."

"I know now," Daniel replied, fingers tracing slow circles through his curls. "I understand. And now, understanding, it's perhaps even a little... flattering." He glanced away with a soft, shy laugh, the tips of his ears reddening.

John gave into the urge to nuzzle one ear, kissing the edge before sucking briefly on his earlobe. "That you want me? Yes, I'm very flattered."

"I mean it," Daniel murmured, tilting his head to allow John better access to his ear and neck. "With all your power and beauty, you could have anyone... and it was my actions that made you jealous...."

"I won't have reason to be anymore," John murmured, nuzzling down his neck, worshipping his skin with warm, open-mouthed kisses. "I'll take care of everything you need. You're mine." He punctuated his words with a soft nip at his skin because it felt right, primal and possessive. From the way it made Daniel gasp sharply and arch against him he gathered it had indeed been a good idea, and he nipped at his neck again, licking and worrying his skin with his teeth as his hands stroked down to cup Daniel's ass and pull him closer. The contact of the other man's body was exquisite against his quickly hardening cock, and he could feel Daniel's arousal pressed against his thigh, straining at the front of his slacks.

"You're mine," he murmured again as he continued to kiss over his skin, and he was rewarded with a soft, trembling moan. He let his hips rock against Daniel's, intoxicated by the shudder of pleasure it brought, stroking his hands up the back of his jacket and feeling the warmth of his body through the thin silk backing of his vest. "Every part of you, Daniel. Want to kiss every inch of your skin, claim you, make love to you, make you scream with pleasure and forget everything in the world but me...."

"It won't be difficult," Daniel breathed, hands clenching almost painfully in his hair, body arching closer as if craving more contact. "Oh god, John... please come to bed with me."

Despite the intimacy of their position the words still sent a pulse of desire straight to his cock. He let Daniel take him out of the main room and into a tidy bedroom, comfortable with a large bed, though he didn't notice much other than that. His focus was on Daniel, on tugging the buttons of his shirt and vest undone, fumbling with his tie until it came loose. His focus was on kissing every part of exposed skin that was revealed, in helping Daniel remove his own clothes, lost in the feeling of warmth and desire and adoration and of everything finally being right.

He felt almost drunk on Daniel's reactions, on the way he shivered under his touch, the little gasps and whimpers he could pull from his throat with his kisses and the tease of his teeth. When he finally had Daniel naked and stretched out under him in bed he couldn't help but give full reign to his desires, biting at his collarbone, sucking his nipples to hard peaks. Rocking his hips slowly against Daniel's drew the most gratifying, needy moan from his lover's throat, made him shudder and arch up against him, one thigh wrapped over his hips to keep him close as they moved together. 

"So amazing," John breathed nuzzling up his neck to find his lips again, kisses hot and wet as he licked into his mouth, as Daniel responded with just as much need and enthusiasm. Finally he shifted to his side, pulling Daniel with him to let his hands stroke down the length of his body, over narrow hips and that pert, firm ass. He nipped lightly at Daniel's bottom lip. "Did I ever lean this way before? Before I was John?"

"I don't think - " Daniel replied, words cut short with a trembling moan as John's hand smoothed over his stomach to curl around his cock. That felt right, too, hard and warm in the palm of his hand, skin soft as he stroked him slowly. "Oh god, John...."

"What about before the city?" It was hard not to kiss Daniel, his lips warm and yearning, kisses almost dizzying. It felt too good to believe that he'd never known this before, in at least some sense. Too familiar, too right. The feel of Daniel's fingers curling around his cock pulled an almost embarrassingly needy whine from deep in his throat.

"Before doesn't matter, this - " he drew a sharp gasp against John's mouth as John smoothed his thumb over the head of his cock and through the wetness he found there, spreading over it and down the sensitive underside. "This is who you are - now - if you - " Desire brought back old broken, breathless patterns of speech, Daniel's lips finding his again and again, growing more desperate. "Not going to - last long like this..."

"Good," he replied, feeling similarly overwhelmed, Daniel's touch driving insistent pleasure with each stroke. His free arm tightened around Daniel, wanting nothing more than to be close, closer, feeling like he would go mad from his touch or without it. It was easy to lose himself in the satisfaction of pleasuring Daniel and his wordless demands for more, the fingers of his free hand digging into John's shoulder as he shuddered against him. "Come like this now," he breathed. "Sex after."

"God - !" Daniel nipped at his bottom lip before drawing a sharp gasp against his mouth, hips canting up into his touch, and in moments John felt him pulse in his grasp, slick heat spurting against his fingers. Though Daniel's touch faltered momentarily, experiencing his climax was more heady and erotic than John could have ever imagined, and soon enough he was following, pleasure overwhelming every nerve in his body as Daniel stroked every last drop of seed from his cock.

For a long moment he said nothing, nuzzling Daniel's jaw as he caught his breath, pressing soft kisses to his skin, stroking his back. His fingers were still curled around Daniel's softening cock, and he summoned enough mental focus to clean the traces of their passion from their bodies with his mind. Then he cupped Daniel's cheek with one hand, kissing him long and slow and deep.

"It's almost overwhelming, being with you," Daniel half-whispered against his mouth, and John resisted the urge to pull him closer, letting his forehead rest against his lover's.

"I don't mean for it to be," he replied a little anxiously, only to have Daniel kiss him again, firmly.

"I didn't say that it was a bad thing," he murmured, with a soft, pleased little sigh. "I never thought I'd be able to feel this way about someone. I just may never let you out of my bed."

John gave a low, happy hum in reply, wrapping his arms around his lover and squeezing him to him. "I like the idea of never."

Daniel's fingers smoothed through his hair and down his back. "It does hold a certain appeal."

"I hope I'm not taking you from anything important," John murmured, nuzzling his hair. He listened to Daniel give a soft laugh.

"No. No, nothing of consequence, John."

"No dates?" He couldn't help but press, the words coming out a little more anxious than intended.

"No." Daniel pulled back just a little to meet his gaze seriously, stroking his fingers along his jawline and into his hair. "John, I need you to understand that I have been alone for a very long time. Alone but for Them. When the sun rose and I realized that I was finally free what I wanted most was not to be alone anymore. And then all of a sudden you called me, all handsome and rich and powerful, and I wanted so badly just to stay with you all the time...."

"Should have," John murmured, fingers stroking his side slowly. "I wanted you to."

Daniel laughed softly, glancing away with a little smile. "I liked you too much, John. I didn't think we could ever be together like this. That night we came home drunk and I put you to bed... I don't know if you remember, but you tried to convince me to get into bed with you because you were certain that it would be easier for me than getting to the guest room...."

John tried to think back, but everything was a blur. "I don't remember that at all. Dammit. I guess I wanted you even then.... I scared you off?"

"It was too tempting." Daniel glanced away shyly, flushing. "I wanted so badly to just... strip off your clothes and go down on my knees for you. It frightened me a little. I felt like if I didn't distance myself from you I'd end up acting inappropriately."

John tried not to focus on the very nice mental image of Daniel down on his knees. "It must have been difficult to act like everything was completely platonic... and I just kept asking you to be around me more and more...."

Daniel gave a little nod. "I was afraid that I'd end up placing the burden of my loneliness on you alone. And I was afraid that I wouldn't know how to be with someone after being alone for so long. I felt like I needed to establish independence in my own life before I could be a good friend to you. I thought if I could do that... then I could set aside my feelings for you. But anything I did and anyone I was with when I was not with you was inconsequential. Especially now."

The words kindled a reassuring warmth in the pit of his stomach, and it made him realize that he hadn't done enough of just listening to Daniel. "Why me?"

Daniel regarded him quietly for a moment, blue eyes calm behind smudged glasses. "You'd asked me once why I hadn't found anyone, why I hadn't wanted to. John... what I did for them, what I did to this city - no, please don't brush it away - I can never fully forgive myself for it. I could certainly never tell anyone about it. You are the only one, the only person in the whole city that I don't have to wear a mask in front of, where I don't have to live a lie. I could never love someone if they didn't know me."

"So... you're with me because I'm the only option?"

Daniel chuckled softly. "John, I'm with you because you forgive me."

The thought astonished him. "There's nothing I have to forgive you for. You saved me. Everything." Then his thoughts rewound suddenly, his stomach flip-flopping. " _Love_?"

Daniel lowered his head, cheeks reddening. "More each time I see you," he murmured. "It's why I made so many excuses not to. It's why I couldn't cope with believing that you thought badly of me."

"I'm so sorry." Feeling a little overwhelmed himself, John claimed his mouth until he could find his voice again. "I do love you," he said, voice huskier than intended. "And that must be real. My memories couldn't make me love Anna, they didn't make me love anyone. But being with you...."

"I believe you," Daniel said softly, and kissed him again.

Even naked, and in bed together, it was hard for him to get over how good it felt to kiss Daniel. Still, he felt like he needed to be completely honest with him about everything. He forced himself to pull from the kiss with a soft sigh. "I need to apologize for something."

"We can talk more later," Daniel breathed, trying to arch closer to claim his mouth, but John placed a hand on his chest to keep his distance.

"Please. I just - I want to make sure you can forgive me...."

"There's nothing to forgive."

"Daniel." He leaned in to place a kiss to his forehead. "Maybe I need to forgive me."

Daniel nestled his face into his neck, pressing a kiss to his skin, breath warm when he spoke. "All right, then."

At first John wasn't quite sure where to start. "The night that we fought I hired some prostitutes. Before we fought, I mean. I didn't really intend to but the hotel clerk misunderstood me and then next thing I knew... prostitutes."

Daniel chuckled slightly. "As in more than one?"

"Only two," John replied, trying to justify himself. "Eccentric millionaire thing. Anyway, I didn't sleep with them."

"Mmm-hmm?" Daniel's fingers were stroking slow circles on his chest, brushing his nipples, and it was making it rather hard to concentrate.

"I started to think that maybe I just wasn't wired that way. Because I'd been thinking about you an awful lot, Daniel. So I asked them if they had any, you know, co-workers. Who were male. And they told me that bathhouses were cheaper."

Daniel pulled back to look up at him, half surprised, half amused. "You came to the bath house to pick someone up?"

"I really didn't think I'd run into you," John replied a little anxiously. "And I was so jealous and so, so _horrible_ , and then you left, and then there was this guy, and I seriously didn't realize until he told me and then even though I was even more ridiculously jealous it was actually kind of hot...."

Daniel's eyebrows knit together in confusion, and John realized that he hadn't really explained himself very well. He closed his eyes for a moment and drew a deep breath. "I think I slept with your date."

After a brief moment of silence he heard Daniel give a soft laugh. " _...Larry?_ "

John chanced to open one eye. "Yeah," he replied weakly.

Daniel looked more amused than anything else, and he smoothed a curl of hair off John's forehead. "How was that for you?"

"Kind of weird," John admitted. "I mean, not the whole sex thing, that was pretty hot. Men - I definitely like men. It makes so much more sense. But then he told me he slept with you and I couldn't decide whether I wanted to think about you or not think about you at all and I think I might have called him Daniel when I came and he was trying to convince me to go pick you up anyway and it's just...." He let his head fall back into the pillow with a groan, closing his eyes. "I'm sorry."

What he didn't expect was Daniel to shift so that he was leaning half over him, leaning in to press a soft kiss to his mouth. "So what you're trying to say is that we've both been two-dollar whores."

John gave a little sheepish nod, looking up at him. "I'm really sorry about that. Everything. I'm so sorry."

Daniel contemplated him for a moment. Then his eyes narrowed slightly in mocking sternness, a flash of the teacher that John remembered. "Well. Then you'll have to make it up to me."

"Okay?" he said slowly, trying to read him. "Anything you want, love."

"Anything?" His smile was warm, and he leaned in to nuzzle along John's jaw. "I liked what you said earlier about mind-blowing sex and making me forget everything in the world but you... I think that would be a nice start."

John tilted his head back with a little appreciative hum, stroking his hands around his waist and over his back. "That sounds more like making it up to me...."

"You can call it whatever you like," Daniel breathed, nipping at his earlobe and shifting closer, legs tangling with his. "As long as it involves making love to me."

"Nothing I want more," John replied, shifting to reclaim his lips, his hands stroking down over Daniel's ass, loving the firm curve of it. "God, you have no idea how much I've thought about doing this with you...."

"Really?" Daniel's smile was a little shy. "Me?"

"Yes, you." He let his hands squeeze and knead at his ass. "The more I thought about you... you know, being with men, visiting the bath house... the more I realized I just wanted it to be me... my mouth on your skin, giving you pleasure...."

Daniel's breath hitched, his hips arching against him a little, shivering under his hands. When he spoke his voice was husky, sending a shudder of desire straight to John's cock. "Tell me more."

"Tell you?" John shifted suddenly, rolling them over so Daniel was pinned beneath him. He let himself look over his lover's body appreciatively, leaning down to nuzzle his chest, placing a kiss to his collarbone and inhaling deeply, sucking at his skin. "I suppose I could do that," he murmured, smiling at Daniel's soft, appreciative moan as he kissed back down his chest. "I suppose I could show you as well," he purred, lapping at one small pink nipple, enjoying the way it pebbled and hardened as he sucked it into his mouth. "The first time I thought about you, I imagined how pretty you'd look down on your knees in front of me," he admitted between kisses, worrying his nipple gently with his teeth. "Imagined you undoing my pants... looking up at me as you nuzzled my cock... imagined that beautiful, kissable mouth of yours parting over my cock as you sucked me...."

"Dirty," Daniel breathed, squirming a little under him, whimpering as John moved to suck and nip at his other nipple. "I will, if you want...."

"I'd rather taste you," John replied, glancing up at him with a smirk as he slid down the length of his body, kissing his stomach and nuzzling down the line of fine blond hair that trailed down to his half-hard cock. "Thought about this more..." he murmured, hands stroking over his hips and thighs as he mouthed at the base of his cock. "... what you'd sound like as you slowly came undone underneath me...."

He heard Daniel whimper as he ran his tongue up the length of his cock, sucking at the tip and feeling him harden more under his ministrations. "I wanted to blow you while I slowly stretched you open with my fingers," he murmured, taking the tip of his cock in his mouth, tracing his tongue around it. He cupped Daniel's balls with his other hand, stroking and fondling gently, then teasing the soft skin behind them. "Wanted to make you whimper and moan and beg me to fuck you...."

Daniel's fingers smoothed over his hair and back, clenching and unclenching at his skin almost restlessly, and the moan that John's words pulled from his throat was more wanton and needy than even he'd imagined. "Please," he gasped, shifting under him, widening his thighs to give better access. "Oh god, John..."

He took Daniel's cock in his mouth without further urging, struck by a sudden desire to take as much of him as he could, to fill his mouth, his senses with all things Daniel. He stroked back farther, listening to his lover's wanton groan as he pressed his fingers against his ass, stroking and massaging. Remembering the feel of the lube and recreating it was easy enough; a thought slicked his fingers, and he eased one inside him slowly, his own cock hard and hot and heavy between his thighs at the thought of having this all to himself.

"More," Daniel gasped, squirming back against the penetration almost impatiently. "Feels so good... you look so... oh god, please - !"

"Mmhmm," he hummed around him in agreement, focusing for a moment solely on the slide of his lips on Daniel's cock, the taste of his arousal and the hard heat of him between his lips. Then he eased a second finger inside him, moving them slowly, teasing inside him until he rubbed against a firm, hot point inside him that made Daniel gasp and half buck helplessly underneath him.

"God - John please, I can't - please fuck me, oh god - !"

John let his cock pull from his lips, flicking his tongue against it one last time before easing his fingers away from Daniel and shifting to kneel between his thighs. He watched Daniel draw a shuddering breath as John rocked against him slowly, letting his cock press between the cheeks of his ass to rub against him. "This what you want, love? Want me hard and deep inside you?"

"You know I do," Daniel breathed, hips rolling against his just a litte, a teasing wave of sensation that washed through John's body. "Like this. I want to watch you...."

"Yeah," John breathed in agreement, voice coming out huskier than intended. He wrapped his hand around the base of his own cock to tease him with it, slicking himself with a thought and rubbing his head against Daniel's hole. "God, you're beautiful."

"Will be with you inside me," Daniel replied breathlessly, whimpering as John pressed the head of his cock against him, easing inside slowly before drawing away again. "Oh god, please don't tease me - !"

It took every inch of self control not to just bury himself inside Daniel, to instead hold back and ease inside him, slowly pressing deeper with each rock of his hips. It was so hard when it felt so good, Daniel's body hot and slick with the lube, clenching and shuddering around him at the intrusion, Daniel's head thrown back, lips parted in audible gasps. Beautiful. But not nearly enough.

A harder thrust buried him almost to the hilt, pulled a shuddering groan from Daniel's throat. "This what you wanted?" John managed to breathe, drawing back smoothly before repeating the motion. "Oh god, you feel so good....."

"Yes," Daniel whimpered in reply, trying to pull his thighs up higher against John's sides, and part of John's mind realized his goal and slipped an arm under his hips, pulling him up higher so they could come together more completely. It made Daniel cry out, hands clenching at his thighs, pulling him closer. "God, more - !"

The pleasure of it all was almost surreal; the heat of Daniel's body as he picked up the pace, driving into him a little faster, harder, watching Daniel lost to pleasure underneath him, his cock hard and flushed against his stomach. It was hard not to give full rein to his passion, to buck into him hard and fast as his body screamed for. But as good as it felt he still wanted more, wanted to possess Daniel entirely, to crush the man to him and never let go.

John forced himself to slow, stroking his free hand over Daniel's stomach to sooth the needy whimper it pulled from his throat. "John...."

"Wanna be closer to you," he murmured, letting his hips back down on the bed as he eased away. "Curl up on your side for me? Please?"

Daniel wet his lips and did as he asked, looking up at him pleadingly. "John...."

"I'm right here," he murmured, moving to spoon up around him, pulling Daniel back against his chest and dropping warm kisses along his neck and shoulder as he let the length of his cock rub along his ass. "Perfect," he breathed, finally rocking back up inside him, pressing his face to Daniel's hair. "Oh, love...."

It was slower, like this, more difficult to use Daniel as hard as he wanted to, but worth it for the exquisite warmth of Daniel's body against his, for being able to press breathless kisses to his neck, to stroke down the length of his body and wrap a hand around the hard girth of his cock. "My Daniel," he murmured, rolling his hips up into him again. "Oh god...."

"John - !" One of Daniel's hands reached back to grab his hip, pulling him closer as he rocked into him, a shudder running through his body. "God - just like that - oh god love, please, so good - !"

John managed a murmured, wordless agreement as he repeated the motion, drunk on the cry it pulled from Daniel's throat, the way he shuddered against him as John's hips pressed up against his ass. It was easier to fall into rhythm with him, then, rocking up into him a little harder, again and again, letting each thrust of his hips push Daniel's cock into his fist. He pressed his face to Daniel's neck, lost in the scent and feel of him, sucking and licking at his skin.

He could feel his own pleasure building; too fast, too soon when all he wanted was to savor the intensity of this moment. But Daniel's cock was slick in his fingers as well, his breathless cries a little more desperate as he rocked back against John. "My Daniel," he growled breathlessly, managing to find words despite the overwhelming pleasure. He pressed a kiss to his shoulder, nipping at his skin a little harder than he meant to, but Daniel strained back towards him more, neck bared.

"Yours," he gasped, fingers digging into John's hip, his body tense and shuddering. "Always, John. Please...."

For a brief moment he held back, worried about marking his lover's pale skin. Then he remembered the scratch marks he'd seen on Daniel's back, and something inside him, something deep and primal, wanted his own marks there in kind. He sealed his mouth at the crook of Daniel's neck, biting down at the line of muscle as he drove into him hard, again and again, and in moments Daniel was coming undone against him, crying out helplessly and shuddering around his cock as John's fingers flooded with slick heat.

"Yes," he breathed, pressing his face to Daniel's neck and closing his eyes, hips canting up into him, letting pleasure overwhelm him. A few more thrusts were all it took to draw him to the pinnacle of pleasure, everything lost around him but Daniel, the taste of his skin and the feel of his body as John emptied himself inside him in hot spurts, waves of sensation completely overwhelming him as he came.

Daniel pressed back against him as he did, a hand still clenched at John's hip, keeping him close as he caught his breath. He seemed almost overwhelmed when he spoke. "Oh god...."

John placed a soft kiss to his shoulder where he'd bitten it, fingers stroking small circles at the base of his stomach, feeling strangely proud of the slick of Daniel's seed under his fingers. "Are you alright?" he murmured, kissing his skin gently again. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," Daniel breathed, wriggling back against him a little, body clenching briefly around John's softening cock. "Oh god, it felt - everything - so good...."

Spent as he was, it still sent a soft wave of pleasure through him, and John tightened his arms around him. "You're amazing," he breathed, pressing his lips to his skin again and again, nuzzling behind his ear. "Everything, Daniel, love you so much...."

Daniel shifted in his arms, twisting just enough to catch his mouth, kisses slow and warm. "Thank you for not giving up on me," he murmured softly, blue eyes content behind impossibly smudged glasses, and for a long moment John could only hold him, kissing him wordlessly, completely overwhelmed by the happiness he'd so recently thought he'd never find.

Eventually John made an effort to clean them both up, and Daniel tugged the bed covers over them to ward off the slight chill in the air against their naked skin as they curled together. He'd set his glasses aside, and John thought he looked more peaceful without them. It was certainly nicer to cuddle without, nuzzling his cheek and ear and placing a soft kiss to the corner of the eye that had once been injured and scarred.

"What will you do now?" Daniel asked, fingers stroking languidly through his curls, a fond smile playing about his lips. "Now that you've claimed me?"

"Other than do it again a lot more?" John offered with a quirk of his eyebrow. He smiled at Daniel's soft laugh, fingers stroking slow circles on his back. "Well, you still want to open your practice, right? I want to help you with that. And then... well, I was kind of thinking...." He stopped. Would Daniel think it frivolous of him? "It's a bit ridiculous, actually."

"Tell me," Daniel urged him gently, still smiling. "I want to help with your dreams also, John."

John nodded slowly. "I... kind of want to buy a boat," he said, watching Daniel as he spoke. "A big one for the river. Like a cruise ship, but just for parties. Like a floating restaurant and nightclub, all lit up at night. Is that silly?"

Daniel's little smile had widened as he spoke, and he shook his head. "No, it sounds beautiful. Will you take me there when it's finished?"

"Anytime you like," he promised, feeling more at ease. "I was actually hoping for your advice when it comes to finding a manager and crew and everything like that."

"Of course," his lover replied. "We'll work together. Whatever you need."

"And you think the city would like it? People would come?"

"I know people," Daniel replied, leaning in to press a soft kiss to his mouth. "They'll come."

John smiled, silent for a moment, enjoying the easy closeness and losing himself to thought. It seemed a little surreal to him to be here, to be so happy after spending so long in turmoil and loneliness. He'd given up completely on ever having this, thought that he needed to abandon this completely to ever have a chance at happiness. Now, having Daniel here in his arms, it seemed like the most idyllic existence, like anything he chose to do would still be perfect.

He thought of the house in Shell Beach, how his mind had unconsciously created his life around Daniel. Maybe he could take him there, finally. Show him how beautiful everything was because of the memories he'd given him. Maybe they'd see May at the cafe, alive and well with Anna in her arms.

"You don't know people as well as you think you do, you know," he mused, fingers stroking through his hair.

Daniel shifted to face him, folding his arms on John's shoulder and resting his chin on them, watching him with a little smile. "What makes you so certain?"

"I'm pretty sure Anna's a lesbian."

Daniel's eyebrows rose slightly as he contemplated this. Finally he said, "Perhaps I made her a little too perfect. And perhaps I'm not an expert on absolutely _everyone_ in the city." He ran his fingers through John's hair, watching him with a fond little smile. "But I'm looking forward to learning more about them."

John couldn't help but return the smile. "I suppose that makes us perfect too?"

Daniel gave a soft, approving hum in reply, sweet and content, and he leaned forward to steal a soft kiss. "We are now."

***Finish***


End file.
